Christmas with the Lawsons
by redsandman99
Summary: Connor wants to kill Santa. James is butchering Christmas carols. Cooper and Mark are at each other's throats. Can Christmas survive this family?
1. Chapter 1

_December 20_

"Marky. Oh Marky. Marky Marky. MARKY!"

Mark jerked awake so fast that he almost pulled something in his back. "Jesus Christ Lawson!" he growled. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Why is it called mistletoe when it's not a missle shaped like a toe?"

Mark blinked several times before sitting up to stare incredulously at his lover. "Tell me you really did not just ask that," he said. "Seriously, you woke me up just to ask that dumbass question?"

James pouted. "It is not a dumbass question!" He looked at the mistletoe in his hands. "It's a serious question that needs to be answered." He kept pouting for a minute before leaning over towards Mark and dangling the mistletoe up above their heads. "Oh wait, would you look at that? It looks like we have to kiss now."

"The only thing I feel like kissing you with is my fist," Mark grumbled. He didn't do that though. He just let James devour his mouth and hoped that meant he could go back to sleep afterwards. Of course, since this was James he was dealing with, he should have known better than to hope for any such thing.

"Hold this," James ordered, dropping the mistletoe on Mark's chest. He rolled off the bed and walked over to the dresser. He opened one of the drawers and put on a Santa hat. "How do I look?"

Mark grinned. James was completely naked except for that hat. "Ditch the hat and you'll look ten times better."

James rolled his eyes. "I can't ditch the hat. It's almost Christmas! I have to get all festive and shit."

Mark shook his head. He had never met a serial killer that got into Christmas as much as James did. Then again, James and the boys were the only serial killers he knew, so he should have been used to it by now. "Lawson seriously, take off that hat and come back to bed. You--"

"Dad we have a pr--holy shit!" Cooper made the mistake of walking in without knocking and his eyes paid for it. "Uh....did I just walk into some kinky role playing game that I don't want to know the details of."

"No," Mark replied. "James is just being weird."

James glared at him. "I am not being weird! I'm being festive!"

"Yes, because Christmas is about you being naked in a Santa hat."

"Exactly." Either James missed the sarcasm in that statement or he was deliberately ignoring it.

"Okay, now that I've been scarred for life once again, can we focus on what I came up here to talk to you about?" Cooper asked. "And could you please put some pants on Dad?"

James sighed dramatically. "Fine! If you insist..." He grabbed a pair of his boxers and slipped them on. "Happy?"

"Estatic," Cooper replied.

"So what's the problem you were trying to tell Daddy dearest about?" Mark asked.

Cooper shook his head. "You'll just have to come out and see it for yourself. You won't believe me if I tell you."

Mark did not like the sound of that. He slipped his own boxers on and he and James followed Cooper downstairs. It didn't take them long to see what Cooper was talking about. Right in the middle of the living room was a sleigh, eight reindeer hooked up to that sleigh and Snoopy (who was wearing a red fuzzy clown nose and did not seem happy about it). "What the fuck is this?" Mark asked in disbelief.

"I second that question," James said.

Connor came in carrying a giant net. "Out of the way!" he snapped. "Don't look at my sleigh you dirty infidels! You're going to corrupt it!"

James looked at Cooper. "Please explain to me where he got this stuff."

"You mean the infidel thing or the sleigh and reindeer?" Cooper only asked that to be a smartass.

"Boy, we know he got that damn infidel thing from Achmed the Dead Terrorist," Mark said with a roll of his eyes. "What we want to know about is the sleigh and the animals."

Cooper shook his head. "That's something you're going to have to ask him. I haven't been able to find out the answer to that yet."

So all eyes turned to Connor. Connor glared at them before sighing. "It's all a part of my plan," he said like it was the most obvious fucking thing in the world.

"What plan?" Cooper asked.

"My plan to catch Sandy Claws."

Mark groaned. _Not this again._ Connor had this obsession with catching and killing Santa. Yes, at twenty two years old, Connor still believed in Santa. But he didn't believe that Santa brought him presents. Oh no, that had ended when he was seven and Cooper broke the news to him that the presents were really from James. What he believed Santa did was sneak in the house, take some presents away, and then tried to either take the people's souls or internal organs (the belief changed from year to year and Mark had a hard time keeping track of the details).

"Damn it Connor, I'm only going to tell you this one more time: Santa is not real!" Cooper said in exasperation.

Connor glared at him. "That's what he WANTS you to think Cooper! That's how he gets you without you knowing it!"

"Can you please just tell me why there are reindeer in my fucking house?" James asked Connor. "That is what is fucking concerning me at the moment here."

"They're here because they're going to help me catch Sandy Claws," Connor explained. "I've tried to catch him in the fireplace but that's never worked. "And I've tried booby trapping the doors and windows but those didn't work either."

"Yeah," Mark muttered. "The only thing you've ever managed to do with those is almost kill Glenn more times than I can count."

"So I decided that I'm going to beat him at his own game," Connor said, going on like he hadn't heard Mark at all. "I'm going to take these reindeer and make them fly up in the air and I'm gonna knock Santa's fat ass right out his sleigh! And then we'll see who's the ho after that!"

"Dude, these fucking things won't be able to fly," Cooper informed Connor.

"They will if they know what's good for them," Connor growled. He looked down at Snoopy, who had gotten the red nose thing off of him and was now trying to eat it. "NO! BAD SNOOPY! YOU CAN'T BE RUDOLPH IF YOU EAT YOUR OWN NOSE!"

James raised his eyebrows. "Aren't you afraid that the other reindeer are going to squash Snoopy?"

"No," Connor replied. "They know better than that. Right AIDS?"

Mark frowned. "Uh..."

"Oh, I forgot to introduce you to them!" Connor said, shaking his head. "They're names are AIDS, Herpes, G.W., Syphilis, Gonorrhea, E.D. and Viagra."

James blinked. "Do I even want to know what G.W. and E.D. stand for?"

"Genital Warts and Erectile Dysfunction."

"Damn it, I should have just left the subject alone." James turned around. "I'm going upstairs to play my Batman game and those fucking things better be out of my house by the time I'm done Connor."

Connor stuck his tongue out but quickly put it back in when James turned around. "Yes Daddy."

"Wait, what about the Christmas shopping?" Mark asked James. "You were supposed to come with me today."

"I don't wanna do it. Make Cooper go with you."

Cooper frowned. "Wait, why do I have to go? I don't want to go!"

"Too bad. You're going." Mark wasn't going to leave any room for negotiation on this subject. He grabbed Cooper by the hand and began dragging him out of the house.

"But Mark--"

Mark opened the door and took one step out before running back inside. "Holy baby Jesus! I fucking need to put some pants on!"

James smirked. "And a shirt and some shoes wouldn't be a bad idea either."

Cooper howled with laughter as Mark ran upstairs. "Dumbass!"

"Shut up boy!"

"Make me asshole!"

"Wait!" Connor shouted. "I want to go too!"

Mark sighed. This was going to be one interesting trip to the mall.


	2. Chapter 2

The phone rang loudly, disturbing James from his game. "Mother fucker," he cursed. He pressed the pause button so he wouldn't fuck up while he was trying to deal with whoever the fuck was calling him. "What?" he snapped impatiently.

"Don't you what me mister," Jeff snapped back. "That's not very fucking nice at all!"

James rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to play my Batman game Jeff. What do you want?"

"Oooohhhh, you mean the Arkham Asylum one? I thought that was Cooper's game."

"I bought myself it when I was Christmas shopping the other day."

"Wait, you went Christmas shopping before Christmas Eve?" Jeff sounded completely amazed by that fact. "You told me--"

"I know I said I always waited to the last minute, but this year I paid Glenn 500 bucks to go get me everything I needed."

"And he did it?"

"Yeah...once I also agreed to get him and Princess Straightedge tickets to see Killswitch Engage in concert." James shook his head. It pained him to admit that because it meant he had done something nice for the princess. And that wounded him deeply.

"So what did you have Glenn buy?" Jeff asked.

"Well I got a PS3 and the Batman game, which I didn't even set up until now cuz I didn't want Mark to know about it yet."

"Why not?"

"Cuz I just sent him Christmas shopping with the boys and I didn't feel like telling him I already went."

Jeff sighed. "He's going to kick your ass so badly when he finds out."

"No, he'll just fuck it," James said with a laugh. He took his Santa hat off because it was making his head kind of sweaty. "I got Mark three new custom motorcycles, Cooper got a whole bunch of games for his PS3 and a new laptop because Connor busted his old one. And Connor got toys."

"Toys?"

"Yup. Lots of toys."

"Did you get me any toys?"

"I can't tell you dummy. It would ruin the surprise."

"Aw man." Jeff was obviously pouting now. "That sucks." The pouting continued for about another minute and then he seemed cheerful again. "Are you going to mail it to me or bring it to me yourself?"

James snorted. "I'm not going out all the way to Cameron just to give you a present. I'll mail it to you if you don't want to come out here and get it."

"Well where are you guys even at?"

"Vegas."

"Again?"

"Uh huh. There's no place like home."

"Well I don't know if I should come out there or not. I mean, I always spend Christmas with Dad and Matt."

"So? Just spend next Christmas with them."

"Well....I'll talk to them about it and I'll call you back later and tell you what I'm going to do, okay?"

"Yeah sure, whatever," James said with a sigh. "Maybe call Mark instead cuz I'm gonna be playing this game."

"Okey dokey then. Bye James."

"Later Jeff." James hung up the phone and began playing his game again. It occured to him at that moment that he hadn't checked to make sure Connor actually put the reindeer and the sleigh outside like he was supposed to. For a brief moment, he considered going back downstairs to see if there were any animals besides Snoopy and Spike in the house, but he decided against it. His game was much more important than the stupid deer.

_What about the Christmas carols? Those need to get nice and butchered in time for the big day._

"Later," he told himself. He figured that since he was alone, it was okay to talk to himself. "I'll do it later." He growled as one of the Joker's henchmen hit him from behind. "You stupid butt fucking son of a bitch! I'm going to fucking slaughter you now!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"This was a terrible idea," Cooper muttered under his breath. The mall was absolutely packed, and if he got shoved one more time, he was going to kill someone right then and there. "Who the fuck decided we should do this?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "Look, I know this is bad, but it would have been worse if we waited any longer."

Cooper refused to respond to that because he knew Mark was right. So instead of speaking, he looked down at the bags he was holding. So far he had bought a Wii and two games to go with it for James (one was boxing and the other was wrestling...in a way this was also for himself because watching his dad play video games was sometimes just as entertaining as playing them himself), seasons one, two and three of Dexter for Glenn, the new Pearl Jam CD for Matt, about twenty bags of Skittles for Jeff and a pair of bra and panties for Phil (which was not going to go over well, but it was too funny of an idea to resist). Mark had gotten James a giant Samurai sword and a Singapore cane (Cooper had a bad feeling that James was going to break the cane over someone's head) and he had gotten Glenn the new Stephen King book (when Connor saw the size of it, he immediately tried to grab it and hit someone on the head with it).

"I'm hungry," Connor complained. He rubbed his stomach and groaned for dramatic effect. He wasn't holding any bags because he had said that he already had everyone's presents. Cooper still hadn't figured out if that was a good or bad thing.

Mark looked at the food court and paled. Every place that they could get food from had a line at least a mile long. "Well we could leave--"

"NO!" Connor protested. "I want to get something from here! Besides, Cooper has to get me my Christmas present."

Cooper shook his head. "I'm not giving you your gift when you're here. You're just going to look."

"No I won't," Connor promised. "I'll close my eyes like this." He squeezed his eyes shut and put his hands over them just in case.

"Yeah but--"

"PLEASE?" Connor begged loudly. "PLEASE COOPER PLEASE?" He dropped down to his knees and clasped his hands together. "I'LL SUCK YOU OFF EVERY NIGHT FOR A WEEK IF YOU GET ME SOMETHING GOOD!"

More than a few people heard him say that and they all gave him strange looks. Mark covered his face up while Cooper chuckled. "Okay," Cooper agreed. "Mark will take you to get something to eat and I'll go buy you your present. But I swear to God if you try to look at what I get you, I will tie you to a tree and leave you for Santa to find."

"Okay," Connor said with a nod. He got back up to his feet and grabbed Mark by the hand. "Move it Deadman!"

Mark glared at Cooper as he went. "He's going to be the death of me you know!"

Cooper smirked. "Tell it to someone who cares Deadman." He walked off, knowing exactly where he needed to go. About a week after Thanksgiving, Cooper had seen something at the toy store and he told James not to buy it because he wanted to get it for Connor. What it was was a three foot tall, remote control robotic dinosaur. Connor loved the Jurassic Park movies and this would be absolutely perfect for him. _Now hopefully the store still has them, or I'll have to murder some poor innocent bastard just to keep myself from pulling my own hair out._

XXXXXXXX

Mark groaned as he shifted from foot to foot. He did not want to be standing in line at the moment. Not only was the line he and Connor in really long, but there were a lot of small children around and none of them would shut the fuck up. He folded his arms over his chest, wishing he had a gun to shoot himself with. Death was a better option than this.

"You need to buy Cooper and me presents," Connor announced suddenly.

Mark glared at him. "I got you two something a week ago. I don't need to get you anything."

Connor rolled his eyes. "We don't want more gift cards. You always get us that. We want new stuff."

"You mean you want new stuff. I'm surprised Cooper even accepts a gift card from me."

"Well maybe if you got him something really good, he might like you better."

"But I already bought--"

"WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!" Connor screeched. "WE WANT--" Connor trailed off as he saw something he didn't like. "COCKSUCKING SON OF A BITCH!"

"LANGUAGE!" Mark yelled. Mothers were giving Connor horrified looks and kids were asking what a cocksucking son of a bitch was. "And what--oh God no." He looked and saw what Connor saw. And it was not good.

It was fucking Santa Claus.


	3. Chapter 3

_Look at him. He's not even the real Santa. He's just a minion that goes from mall to mall, feeding the little children lies about how "nice" Santa is. Oh yeah, he's real nice...for a present stealing, murderous jackass._ That was what was going through Connor's mind at the moment. He stared at the imposter Santa hatefully. The first time he saw the mall Santa after he realized how bad Santa really was, he had freaked out because he thought Santa had been going to kill them all right then and there. But then Cooper explained that the Santas at the mall were just guys dressed up like him. They weren't the real deal. But even though Cooper swore that it was the mall that hired these fake Santas, Connor knew the truth. They were Santa's minions and they needed to be stopped.

"No!" Mark exclaimed, grabbing Connor by the back of the shirt and doing what he could to drag him away. "Down Connor! Down!"

Connor whined and tried to break free from Mark's grip. "But I have to get him!" he insisted stubbornly. "He's spreading lies! He's going to get the children killed!"

Mark clamped his hand over Connor's mouth before lifting the struggling man up and doing his best to carry him away from the scene. "Would you stop?" he hissed angrily. "You're causing a scene!"

Connor kicked his feet wildly. Mark didn't understand, just like usual. Sometimes Connor wondered how James could love someone so fucking dense.

The fake Santa was handing out candy canes to the little kids. Connor realized that his kicking wasn't getting him anywhere, so he resorted to another tactic: biting. He bit Mark on the hand and then elbowed the Deadman. Mark dropped him and the instant his feet hit the ground, he had taken off running. Letting out a yell, he clotheslined the fake Santa so hard that the imposter's beard pretty much came right off. Children were screaming and adults were yelling, but he didn't care about them. He was in the fucking zone.

Before the fake Santa could recover from the clothesline, Connor picked him up and tossed him across the food court. He landed on a poor innocent family, squishing their food and accidentally kicking the dad in the face. Connor went to go after the imposter before, but Mark threw him over his shoulder and started running away from the security guards that were coming to get Connor. "No Marky!" Connor protested. "Put me down! I needs to get the fake Santa!"

"You'll have to get him another time," Mark replied. "Right now, we need to split."

Connor didn't want to split. He wanted to hurt the fake Santa. But Mark refused to put him down, and he soon found himself out in the parking lot near their car. "Start the engine up Cooper!" Mark yelled. "We need to go!"

Cooper, who had just gotten Connor's present hid in the trunk of the car, frowned at Mark. "Why? What happened?"

"You!" the security guards yelled as they ran out of the mall. "Stop right there!"

"Just get us out of here!" Mark ordered. He tossed Cooper the keys before getting in the backseat of the vehicle with Connor. Connor tried to fight his way free but Mark wasn't letting go.

"Fucking sweet!" Cooper exclaimed. He got into the driver's seat, started the car and backed out of the parking space as fast as he could...which resulted him in crashing into the car parked behind him.

"Cooper Benjamin Lawson!" Mark hollered angrily. "What the fuck did you do that for?"

"It was an accident!" Cooper said defensively. He put the car in drive and sped off, nearly running over the security guards in the process. Obviously the fact that he was technically performing a hit and run didn't bother him.

"Crash into the mall!" Connor said as he continued to try to get out of Mark's grasp. "Do it Cooper. We need to kill the fake Sandy Claws so the real Sandy Claws's plan fails!"

Cooper rolled his eyes. "Damn it Connor, would you lay off the Santa stuff? Santa is not real and he's not going to come and kill you!"

Connor's eyes narrowed. "Why must you lie to me like that? Can't you see what....oh my God....SANDY CLAWS HAS BRAINWASHED YOU!"

Mark winced and put his hands over his ears. "MUST YOU FUCKING YELL IN MY CAR?"

Connor ignored him. He had to save his Cooper. He reached up and grabbed Cooper's head. "I'LL SAVE YOU COOPER!"

"Damn it Connor, let go!" Cooper ordered. "You're going to make me--" He crashed the car right at that moment, causing the airbag to deploy and go right in his face.

"DAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL!" Mark roared. "CONNOR MICHAEL LAWSON, YOUR ASS IS ABOUT TO BE GRASS AND I'M GONNA BE THE FUCKING LAWN MOWER!"

Connor whimpered. _Oh crap, that's not good._

XXXXXXX

"Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell cock. The jingle balls swing and hit Phil right in the face. They're--"

The phone rang, interrupting the song James was attempting to sing. He rolled his eyes and answered it. "Hola! This is Casa de Lawson. If you're the shitheads next door trying to complain about the noise Mark and I make when we fuck, please press one and burn in hell right now."

Jeff giggled. "Your neighbors never like you. How do you always manage to make them hate you?"

James shrugged and plopped down on the couch. "I'm just magic like that. So did you talk to Matt and your dad?"

"Yeah. Matt was trying to convince me to stay home with them but Dad had a better idea."

"Oh yeah? And what would that be?"

"He said that the three of us and Adam should come stay with you for Christmas."

James grinned. He liked that idea already. There was just one thing that could turn out to be a slight problem. "Marky might freak a little bit. He was traumatized by the whole Thanksgiving thing."

"Well don't invite anyone but else," Jeff said. "That should keep the chaos...oh wait, who am I kidding? It's going to be chaotic even if it's just us."

"Of course it will be," James said. "But that's the fun of it all." He looked out the window and saw the annoying neighbor's teenaged son and his dildo friends attempting to mess with the reindeer. "So you'll be flying in soon?" he asked as he got up and grabbed the baseball bat that he kept nearby.

"Yeah. We're flying out tomorrow morning at eleven."

"Okay. Well I'll pick you guys up then."

"Okay. You've got to go, don't you?"

"Yeah. I've got to bash some heads in real quick."

Jeff laughed. "Have fun!"

"Oh believe me, I will." James hung up his phone and headed outside. _All I want for Christmas is really dead neighbors....ha! That is so becoming another one of my Christmas carols._


	4. Chapter 4

_December 21_

"I cannot fucking believe you Lawson!" Mark growled. "First you fucking leave me to go Christmas shopping with the boys, which not only leads to Cooper crashing my fucking car--which is going to cost me a whole bunch of money to fix and not to mention that the crash nearly got us caught by those fucking security guards-- but then you fucking go and invite three of the people who were a part of my Thanksgiving nightmare! I thought I fucking told you I was NEVER EVER doing another damn dinner for the rest of our lives."

James winced. He, Mark and the boys were at the aiport, waiting to pick up Jeff and his group. Mark had seen fit to give him a very public yelling at, and they were attracting all kinds of stares. "Would you calm down? This isn't going to be like Thanksgiving. The only people who got invited to stay with us are Jeff, Matt, Adam and Claude G. That's it. There's not going to be a big dinner or a big food fight or people chasing each other with machetes and chainsaws..."

Cooper shook his head. "I wouldn't be so sure of that Dad. I mean, we are who we are after all. Someone will get chased by a machete or a chainsaw."

"Or both," Connor added helpfully.

When James stopped to think about it, he realized his boys were right. "Okay, you've got a good point," he admitted. "But that's not the point!"

Cooper frowned. "We have a good point but that's not the point? That didn't really make all that much sense."

"Well it did in my head so can it," James ordered.

"Hey! I was yelling here!" Mark reminded everyone.

James sighed and wrapped his arms around Mark. "Come on honey, cut me a break here," he said as sweetly as he could. "It's Christmas time. It's about peace on earth and good will toward man."

Mark snorted. "Says the guy who not only still kills people during this time a year, but he also tortures the rest of us with his singing," he muttered.

James took a step back and gave Mark a hurt look. "What was that?"

"You heard me Lawson."

"Are you...are you saying I can't sing?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

James's jaw dropped. "Fuck you mother fucker!"

Mark rolled his eyes. "James come on, don't be like that. We've had this conversation before."

"No we haven't."

"Yes we have."

"No."

"Yes."

James put his hands on his hips. "Well then why don't I remember it then?"

"Because you were usually too busy singing to listen to me!" Mark reminded him.

James rolled his eyes. "Oh God, not this again. You ALWAYS complain that I don't listen to you. You're like a fucking woman sometimes."

Mark stared at James incredulously. "Me? I'm the fucking woman? What about you asshole? You fucking bitch and complain more than a damn woman!"

"I do not! Now take that back!" James ordered.

Mark shook his head. "No way. I'm standing by what I said."

"If you don't take it back, you're not going to be standing for much longer!" James threatened.

"You don't scare me Lawson," Mark replied. "You've never have."

"Uh, guys--" Cooper was trying to interrupt them before things got too out of hand. It was too late though. James kicked Mark in the shin as hard as he could.

"OW!" Mark shouted. He grabbed his shin and began hopping up and down on one foot. "What the fuck did you put in that boot Lawson?"

James grinned. "It's one of my steel toe boots."

"Oh you fucking--" Mark lunged at James and tackled him to the ground. The two of them began rolling around all across the ground, putting each other in a variety of submission holds. Ankle locks, Texas cloverleafs, STFs, Walls of Jerichos, full nelsons, sleepers--if it could be named, they used it. Finally Mark managed to get James into the Hell's Gate. "Give it up Lawson!" he ordered. "Tap and be my bitch!"

_Fuck that shit,_ James thought to himself. Mark was insane for thinking he would tap right here in front of everyone. Knowing that he didn't have much time until he passed out, he attempted to bite Mark right in the groin. At the same time he tried to do that, Cooper and Connor jumped to his rescue. Cooper gave Mark a leg drop and Connor just plain dropped his ass down on to Mark's gut. Mark groaned as the air left his body and James was able to wiggle out of Mark's grasp.

"We saved you Daddy," Connor said proudly. "Did you see? We saved you!"

"Oh good grief, not this again? I swear, I can't leave the four of you anywhere by yourselves!"

James grinned as he turned towards that voice. Gil, Adam, Jeff and Matt were heading their way. "Hey there Legend!" he said happily. He liked Matt and Jeff's dad. He always had. Gil was just....well, Gil was just Gil. He really didn't know how else to describe him.

Gil just shook his head. "I thought I told you boys to behave while you were in public."

"We were behaving," James insisted. He looked down at Mark, who was clutching his ribs. "Weren't we Marky?"

"Your demon spawn might have just broken my ribs," Mark wheezed out.

Cooper smirked and high fived Connor. "Good job bro. I'm proud of you."

Connor giggled happily. "Yay!"

Jeff shook his head and walked over to Mark so he could help the Deadman up to his feet. "That wasn't very nice!" he scolded. "You guys hurted more Marky!"

Mark groaned as he got up to his feet. "Fucking shit Connor, you're too fucking heavy to jump on me like that."

"Am not!" Connor denied.

"Are too you fatty!" Jeff insisted.

Connor growled and grabbed Jeff by the hair. Jeff immediately began to howl in pain. "I was kidding!" he screeched. "It was a joke! You're not fat and you can jump on Mark all you want!"

Mark gave Jeff a hurt look. "Hardy! What the the hell man?"

"Mark, it's either you or me!" Jeff said as he continued trying to get away from Connor. "And I don't want to be the one that dies."

Connor studied Jeff carefully. "Your defiance must be punished," he decided. He tossed the struggling Hardy over his shoulder. "Daddy, take me home so I can punish Jeffey here."

Matt frowned. "Now hold on a second--"

Adam put his hand over Matt's mouth. "Don't tell Connor he can't punish Jeff," he said quickly. "Believe me, I've told him that before and I ended up getting punished too. Jeff got himself into this and he's going to have to get himself out of this."

Jeff glared at Adam. "Some friend you are!" He looked at Gild. "Daddy help me!"

Gil raised his eyebrows. "You just said the other day that you liked being punished. You should be harder than hell at the damn _thought_ of what Connor's gonna do to you."

James began to roar with laughter. He loved Gil's bluntness. It was absolutely delightful.

Cooper shook his head. "Can we please just get out of here? I want to get some McDonalds on the way home."

"MCDONALDS!" Connor screamed gleefully. He smacked Jeff on the ass in his excitement. "DADDY I WANT MCNUGGETS! GIMMIE SOME MCNUGGETS!"

James sighed. "Okay just--"

"NOW DADDY! NOW!"

"Connor!" Gil scolded. "No screaming! Use your indoor voice!"

"Okay," Connor said, instantly quieting down.

Mark looked at Gil in amazement. "How the hell did you do that? I can't even get him to shut up half the time."

Gil just shrugged. "It's my legend powers boy. They work like a charm every time."

James chuckled at the look on Mark's face when he was called "boy". It was pretty funny. "Come on, let's go pick up some food. When we get back to my place, I need an honest opinion about something."

Mark groaned. "Please tell me you're not going to sing."

James just grinned evilly.

Mark sighed. "We are so fucking doomed."


	5. Chapter 5

"I loves McDonalds," Connor said happily as they all sat down in the living room to eat. James had gone through the drive-thru to McDonalds because Mark started bitching when he just suggested that they go inside to eat. Apparently they didn't know how to behave in public. James found that insulting. He knew very well how to behave in public...he just chose to behave badly.

"I loves McDonalds more than you!" Jeff said childishly.

Connor glared at him. "You do not!"

"I do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"I bite!"

"So do I!"

Cooper rolled his eyes. "Oh my God. Are you two five?" That earned him a glare from both Connor and Jeff. "Don't you bitches give me that look! I'll smack the shit out of both of you!"

"Oh yes, because that's the mature thing to do," Matt muttered as he ate his hamburger.

"You be quiet you," Cooper ordered. "Nobody told you to speak."

"I don't need your permission to speak."

Adam held up his hands. "Can't we all just get along?" he asked with a mouthful of french fries.

Cooper looked at him in disbelief. "Why the fuck would we do that?"

James chuckled as he ate his own food. "I was just about to ask the same thing." He looked over at Gil. "What do you think Legend?"

Gil shrugged. "I think I'm interested in hearing those Christmas carols you were talking about earlier. I've never actually heard a serial killer sing before."

"And you're not going to," Mark told him. "Because what James does is not singing. It's....well I don't know what it is he does. But it's not pretty."

James glared at Mark. "Fuck you mother fucker!" he snapped. "There is nothing wrong with my singing!"

"Yeah, I like Daddy's singing," Connor said. He looked at Cooper. "What about you? Do you like it?"

Cooper just shrugged. "I like the Christmas carols," he said as he took a drink of his Coke. "Dad, you remember when I was in first grade and I sang Murder Wonderland at the talent show auditions?"

James started laughing. "Yeah. They wanted to put you in counseling for that one."

"Murder Wonderland?" Adam said, sounding both curious and scared at the same time.

"Yup," James said with a nod. He opened his mouth to start singing but then he got punched on the back of the head really fucking hard. "OW! Mark! You dipshit! What the fuck was that for?"

"No singing," Mark replied. "James seriously, I'm getting a headache and I don't want to hear it today."

James scowled. He was used to Mark being a crabby bastard around the holidays, but this was getting ridiculous. "You know what? I really don't give a rat's ass what you want to hear." He took a deep breath and almost began singing Murder Wonderland but Mark hit him again. Now even more irritated than before, he put his food down on the coffee table and lunged at Mark.

"Damn it Lawson!" Mark yelled. "Get off of me!"

"Never!" James responded. He put Mark in sleeper hold. Mark immediately tried to shove him away, and they both ended up falling down to the floor. They began rolling around in every direction, almost crushing everyone else's feet. Mark grabbed a handful of James's hair and yanked on it as hard as he could. James yelped in pain and he punched Mark in the crotch as a response to that.

"Hey now!" Gil scolded. He got out of his seat and looked down at them with an exaspersated look on his face. "Knock it off! Good grief, you boys are worse than children."

"He started it!" James said, pointing to Mark.

"Did not!" Mark denied. He smacked James as he got up to his feet. "You did!"

Adam leaned over towards Matt. "And we wonder why Cooper and Connor act like that," he whispered.

James's eyes narrowed. He had heard that. "You got a problem Coopeland?"

Adam tried to look innocent. "No, of course I don't."

"Hey James?" Matt said. He was staring at something out the window. "Are you aware that there are reindeer in your backyard?"

"Yeah," James replied. "They're Connor's."

"Oh. Are you also aware that Snoopy has a Santa hat in his mouth?"

"Wait, what?" James looked out the window and saw that Connor's dog had his Santa hat. "That little bastard! Connor!"

"Sorry Daddy!" Connor grabbed his McNuggets and Jeff. "But I is busy now! I has to punish Jeff!"

"Wait a minute!" Jeff protested. "My food!"

Connor let Jeff grab his food and then he carried the Enigma upstairs. James thought about chasing his insane child down but then decided that would be a big waste of time. This was his Santa hat on the line after all.

"Oh Jesus, are you seriously going out there just for that hat?" Mark asked in disbelief.

"Yes I am," James replied as he went outside. He could see Snoopy trotting around the yard, avoiding the reindeer who were eating all the grass in the fucking yard. "Snoopy!" he yelled. "Stop right there!"

Snoopy stopped in his tracks and wagged his tail. James began walking over towards the beagle. "Put the hat down right now!"

Snoopy cocked his head to the side. He still had the hat in his mouth.

James rolled his eyes. "Come on Snoopy. Let it go." He walked over to the dog and reached out so he could take his hat. "Come on, give the hat to Grandpa..."

Snoopy suddenly took off running. James, who had been leaning forward without even realizing it, almost fell right on his face. Luckily he regained his balance and he took off running after the puppy. "Get back here this instant! That is my hat!"

"Run Snoopy! Run!" Mark shouted. He was standing at the door, watching the scene unfold in front of him.

"You shut up!" James yelled at him. "Or I'm going to tie you down to a chair and make you listen to my singing!" He ran around the reindeer (who were trying to follow Snoopy now) and lunged at the dog. Snoopy was too fast for him though. He not only missed the dog, but landed on one of Connor's booby traps while he was at it. Only instead of getting hauled up into a tree (which was usually what happened when someone hit one of Connor's traps) he fell into a hole that had been covered up by a black tarp.

"Lawson! Holy shit! Lawson!"

James groaned. He had just fallen about six feet into the ground and it hadn't felt very pleasant. "I am way too old for this shit," he muttered unhappily.

"James?" Mark said as he looked down into the hole. "You okay?"

"Yeah," James replied. "But something stinks down here." He lifted the tarp underneath him up just enough to get blasted with the fresh stench of decay. "I think Connor put something dead in here." He looked up and saw that Mark was laughing. "What? What's so fucking funny?"

"Nothing," Mark replied. He was trying to stop laughing but failing miserably. "I'll find some rope and help pull you out of there."

James shook his head as Mark took off. "Fuck my life," he muttered. "And fuck Connor too. I'm gonna put my boot up his and that damn mutt's ass."

XXXXXXXXX

"Connor this isn't fair!" Jeff whined. "I didn't even get to finish eating! Can't I do that first?"

"Nope," Connor replied. He looked at what he had done to Jeff and smiled. He had the youngest Hardy naked and chained to his bed. That was the good news. The bad news was, he really didn't know what to do next. There was supposed to be punishing involved, but he didn't even know where to start. "You stay," he ordered as walked toward the door.

"What are you doing?" Jeff whined. "You better not be leaving me like this!"

"I'll be back," Connor snapped irritably. "I just gotta find something really quick." He left his room and went to Cooper's room. Cooper wasn't in there so he just began searching the place. He knew Cooper kept all kinds of toys in there but he couldn't exactly remember where they were.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Connor looked up and saw Cooper staring at him. "I wants to punish Jeffey," he replied. "But I don't know where to start. You help?"

Cooper smirked. "Sure."

"Yay!" Connor hugged his brother. "We whip him?"

"Nah, I've got a better idea." Cooper walked over to his dresser and got out something Connor couldn't identify. "Sometimes with punishment, less is more."

Connor tilted his head. "I don't get it."

Cooper held up the toy. "It's a cock ring."

"Still don't get it."

Cooper rolled his eyes. "Here, just let me show you what we need to do with this."

"Okay." Connor let Cooper take him by the hand and lead him back to his own room. He noticed that Cooper put the cock ring in his pocket, but before he could comment on that, they were in the room and staring at Jeff.

Jeff gulped. "Oh boy," he muttered. He seemed to sense that the two Lawson boys were plotting something. But he was only half right. Cooper was plotting and Connor was just along for the ride.

Cooper pulled Connor close to him. "Suck him," he whispered.

Connor frowned. "But--"

"Just do it," Cooper insisted. "Trust me. I know what I'm doing right now."

"Okay...." Connor didn't have any reason to doubt Cooper on this. He went over to the bed and stuck his tongue out at Jeff before taking the older man's length into his mouth.

"Oh fuck!" Jeff moaned. He thrusted his hips up, damn near gagging Connor in the process.

Connor raised his head up and glared at Jeff. "Meanie! Cooper, he choked me!"

"Just keep sucking," Cooper ordered.

Connor pouted and did what he was told anyway. He made sure to hold Jeff's hips down this time though. Jeff whimpered and wriggled underneath him. He wasn't sure what Cooper had planned, but he hoped it was good. If it wasn't, then Cooper was going to get hit really, really hard. He meant it.

"Okay that's enough," Cooper said.

"No," Jeff whined.

Connor moved his head up and frowned. "But I didn't make him explode yet."

"I know. That's the point." Cooper moved Connor out of the way and placed the cock ring around the base of Jeff's cock. "Now he can't cum until we want him to."

Connor's eyes widened. Now he understood. "You're bad Cooper," he said with a giggle.

Cooper smirked. "I know I am." Suddenly he grabbed Connor by the hair and shoved him up against the wall. Before Connor could figure out what the hell Cooper was doing, his mouth was being completely dominated Cooper's. He tried to push Cooper away but Cooper wouldn't budge. "Just go with it," Cooper whispered. "Look at Jeff. Look at how hot he's getting. Making him watch us without touching him is big punishment for him."

Connor looked over at Jeff, who was absolutely pouting and whining about being left out. His swollen cock was dripping with precum, but he couldn't get any release just by watching because of the ring. Grinning evilly, he kissed Cooper back just as roughly as he had gotten kissed in the first place. Their hands began tearing each other's clothes off, the torn garments being discarded to the floor. Cooper began kissing and sucking on Connor's neck, making the younger man's legs buckle just a little bit.

"This isn't fair!" Jeff complained. He was trying tro get loose fromt he handcuffs. "Why couldn't you spank me or something? I'm lonely over here!"

"You'd enjoy a spanking," Cooper replied. "You little slut."

"Yeah," Connor agreed. He whimpered as Cooper's fingers ghosted over his dick. "Bad Jeffey. Bad slut."

"I'll be your slut," Jeff offered. "Come on guys please, don't leave me out here."

Connor wanted to say something in response to that. He really did. But then Cooper grabbed his dick and began stroking it, making him lose all his coherent thoughts (not that they were that coherent in the first place of course). He wrapped his arms around Cooper's neck and he clawed at his older brother's back. "Fuck....Coopy..."

"Don't call me that," Cooper replied, biting at Connor's lip immediately afterwards. "I hate that nickname."

Connor whined and looked over at Jeff. Jeff was watching them with glazed over eyes. His body was actually trembling because he was so turned on. "I wants to touch him now," Connor said suddenly.

"You sure?" Cooper asked.

"Uh huh."

"Kay. You know where the keys to the cuffs are? If there's two of us, it'll be easier for us to play with him if he's not tied to the bed."

Connor went over to his jeans and got the keys out of his pocket. He handed them to Cooper, who unchained Jeff from the bed. Jeff immediately tried to take the cock ring off, but Cooper just grabbed him and handcuffed his hands behind his back. "Cooper!" Jeff whined. "That's not fair!"

Cooper chuckled. "Yeah well, you're still getting punished. We didn't say that was over yet." He entered Jeff with no more warning than that. Jeff let out a scream, but it was mixed with enough pleasure to let them know that he actually liked that. "Come here Connor," Cooper ordered.

Connor immediately went over there. "What--"

"Join us," Cooper said, interrupting Connor's question.

"Huh?"

Jeff licked his lips. "Remember what we talked about on the phone last week?" he asked in a strained voice.

"Skittles?"

"Besides that. You know, the double anal thing?"

"Oh. OH!" Connor had forgotten all about that. He bit his lip and positioned his dick at Jeff's filled hole. He looked at Cooper, who nodded. Reassured, he entered Jeff as fast as he could. The pressure of Jeff's tightness and Cooper's dick already being in there actually kind of hurt.

"Oh fuck!" Jeff shouted. He clenched his eyes shut and shook his head. "This was probably not a good idea!"

"You want us to stop?" Cooper asked.

"Hell no!"

Cooper laughed and nodded at Connor. The two brothers began thrusting in and out of Jeff, making him scream more. His hands were still handcuffed so he couldn't do anything but whimper and beg for them to take the cock ring off and make him cum. Connor almost did it, but Cooper slapped his hands. "Not yet," Cooper told him. "Wait for it."

"Cooper please!" Jeff begged. "Please, it fucking hurts! Just do it already!"

Connor groaned. Jeff's begging was turning him on even more. "Cooper..." he said breathlessly. "Jeff..."

Cooper thrusted into Jeff a couple more times before nodding at Connor. "Now. Take it off now."

Connor grabbed the ring and yanked it off. Jeff cried out and immediately came all over Connor's stomach. Jeff's walls tightened around both Cooper's and Connor's dicks and they both came at the same time, unable to take anymore.

"Damn it," Jeff said a few minutes later. "I'm so sore right now."

Connor giggled while Cooper ruffled Jeff's hair. "Aw, poor Jeffey poo," Cooper said.

"Bite me Cooper."

"Don't temp me. I might just do it."

Connor just kept giggling. This was going to be a fun Christmas.


	6. Chapter 6

"James, I have a question," Gil announced. "I know it's probably dumb for me to ask, especially considering the fact that I know your true nature, but I'm going to ask anyway."

"Okay," James said. He took a drink of his beer and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "Ask away."

"Why do you have knives hanging from your Christmas tree?"

James looked over at the giant tree standing in the corner. It had all the pretty lights and regular ornaments that were seen on thousands of Christmas trees all across the nation. But as an added bonus, there were about a dozen knives hanging from various places. "I think they give it character," he replied. He reached down into the cushion of the chair and was surprised by feeling something down there. "What the hell?" he muttered under his breath. He grabbed a hold of what was down there and pulled it out. It turned out to be a set of anal beads. "Holy shit," he muttered. "I thought I lost these!"

Gil rolled his eyes. "Do I even want to know why those are there?"

"Not unless you want to know about mine and Mark's sex life." James set the beads on the coffee table and stood up. "Let's see what else is under here." He took the cushion off the chair and threw it down to the floor. "Holy shit! Who the fuck has been using my chair as a trash can?" There were a bunch of candy bar wrappers under there that it wasn't funny. There was also a few old remotes they had lost ages ago, a couple headless action figures, some marbles and a pair of handcuffs that did not belong to him or Mark...James quickly put the cushion back in its rightful place so he didn't have to think about what his boys had been doing on his furniture.

Just as he was about to sit back down, Snoopy came running in and he took James's spot. "Oh hell no!" James exclaimed. He was still angry with the damn mutt. After climbing after the hole, it had taken him another twenty minutes before he managed to rescue his Santa hat. "You are not taking my spot!" He picked the dog up and forcibly moved him down to the floor. "You stay down there," James ordered as he sat down. "And think about--"

Snoopy apparently thought this was a game and let out a loud bark before jumping on to James's lap and attacking the hell out of his arms. James let out a yell of surprise. Snoopy was not a dog that played rough...at least not before now. His first instinct was to shove Snoopy the hell off him, but Snoopy was a lot smaller than all the other dogs he had owned before, and he knew that if he accidentally hurt the dog, Connor would cut of his head without hesitation.

Snoopy suddenly jumped down and began running laps all around the room, running all over the furniture and just about falling off one of the couches and crashing into the Christmas tree at one point. Finally he came back to the chair and started attacking James's arms again.

"Damn it, what the fuck has gotten into you?" James asked. He was starting to get annoyed with the damn dog.

Snoopy responded by digging at his jeans, spinning around and then laying down. He had just worn himself out completely.

Gil chuckled. "That dog's pretty funny."

"Oh yeah. He's fucking hilarious," James muttered sarcastically. He looked at his arms, which were now covered in scratches made by Snoopy's teeth. Deciding he needed to make himself feel better. "Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell cock..."

Gil raised his eyebrows. "Oh Lord..."

"The jingle balls sing and there's a cock ring."

"Wait, how did you go from having jingle bells to jingle balls?"

"Spurting and spraying and splashing every which way; the jingle bell cock has just cummed."

"Cummed is not a word."

James stopped seeing and glared at Gil. "It is now," he said, glaring at the older man. "Do you got a problem with that?"

"No," Gil quickly denied. "Of course not."

"Good."

Mark came in and tossed the Santa hat at James. "Here. If all the dog drool isn't off it now, you're just out of luck."

"Thank you Marky," James said as he slipped the Santa hat on his head. He glared down at Snoopy. "You don't touch this anymore, you hear me? This is my hat, not one of your chew toys."

Snoopy just rolled over so James could give him a belly rub.

"Now that is just fucking adorable," Mark said with a laugh.

James kept glaring and Snoopy just kept trying to look cute. Finally James just gave in and gave Snoopy a good belly rub. "Don't you dare think this means I forgive you," he told the puppy. "Your attempts to looke cute and cuddly will not make me forget how you violated my hat."

Mark rolled his eyes. "It's just a hat James. It's not the Holy fucking Grail."

"Shush you! You're going to hurt it's feelings!"

"You're an idiot James."

"Daddy!" Connor suddenly yelled. "Where are you?"

As soon as Snoopy heard his daddy's voice, he jumped to his feet and took off running. "I'm in the living room," James yelled back.

"Otay!" Connor could be heard stomping towards them. "Snoopy! I loves you!" A moment later he came in the room. He was holding Snoopy and Spike was following him around with a blue bra hanging off one of his horns.

"Uh...Connor?" Mark said slowly, pointing to the bra. "Where did he get that?"

"I think he got it when he got into the neighbor's house," Connor answered. He sat down right on James's lap. "Daddy, I want my presents."

"I know you do," James replied. "But you're not getting them yet."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not Christmas morning yet."

"So?"

James gave Connor a stern look. "We've been over this a hundred times before. I'm going to get really cranky if we have to have this conversation again."

Connor began to whine and fuss, but he didn't actually voice a complaint. He was more than likely afraid James would threaten to take his presents away if he did.

"Where are the others?" Gil asked Connor gently.

"Upstairs playing video games," Connor replied. He was still very upset about the present thing. "Cooper and I fucked Jeff but then they didn't want to play with my cars. Stupid Adam and Matt wanted to play the video games and now I'm being ignored."

James patted his boy on the back. He knew how much Connor hated being ignored. "Go get your toys and bring them in here. I'll play with you for a little bit."

"Really?" Connor asked hopefully.

"Yup."

"Yay! I love you Daddy!" Connor planted a big kiss on James's cheek before getting up and running back upstairs to his room.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Once you start playing with him, he won't want you to stop. You're dooming yourself for pretty much the rest of the night."

"I know," James replied. "But it makes him happy. What else can I do?"

Gil nodded. "Spoken like a true father." He got up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a date."

James frowned. "Wait, you just got here today. How did you get a date already?"

Gil smirked. "When you've got game, you've got game." With that, he left the room to go get ready.

XXXXXXXX

_December 22_

Adam woke up to the feeling of Matt's lips kissing his neck. He whined both tiredly and happily. "Matty it's early," he complained. "Why are you getting me worked up so early?"

"It's noon baby," Matt replied. He kept kissing Adam's neck, stopping only to bite the sensitive flesh right by Adam's collar bone. "It's not early anymore."

"It's early to me," Adam said with a pout. He gasped as Matt bit down hard enough to draw blood. "Matty..."

Matt lapped up the blood eagerly before kissing his way down to Adam's chest. Adam gasped as Matt's tongue circled one nipple, making it harden to a painful nub. Then a whole bunch of shinvers went up and down his spine as Matt blew on the nipple, making it harden even more. "Ma..Matt," he stuttered, barely realizing that his wrists were now being pinned down to the bed. "I--" He gasped as his other nipple received the same treatment the first one got. His cock had sprung right to life and now it was pressing up against Matt's stomach.

"You're hard already?" Matt said with a chuckle. "You little slut."

"Your slut," Adam said quickly.

"I know. That's what gets me so--"

"HELP ME!" A split second after that cry was screamed, Phil came running in and he dived under the bed. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

Adam and Matt made sure the blankets on them covered them properly before sitting up and frowning. Neither of them were happy that their fun had been interrupted. "What the fuck did you do?" Adam asked angrily. His dick was throbbing and in desperate need of attention.

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" James roared as he came in. He reached under the bed and dragged Phil out by his ankle. "YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY REMOTE WHEN I'M WATCHING MY SHOWS! WE'VE DISCUSSED THIS!"

"I didn't mean it!" Phil said uselessly. "Please don't hurt me!"

"LAWSON! DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!" Glenn roared. "DAMN IT BOYS, GET OFF OF ME!"

Adam and Matt could only watch as James picked Phil up, threw him over his shoulder and carried him off to his doom. "Oh boy," Adam muttered. "That's not good."

"Yeah," Matt agreed. "I think we might need to go make sure James doesn't do anything too drastic."

Adam pouted. "Does that mean we need to get up?"

"Yeah."

"Shit. I knew there was a reason why I hated coming here. These people always interrupt our sex life."

Matt kissed Adam on the cheek. "I'll make it up to you later baby."

"You promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"Okay. Let's go watch James destroy the princess then."


	7. Chapter 7

Mark knew he shouldn't be laughing. It was morally wrong to do so and it was upsetting poor Glenn. But he couldn't help himself. He really couldn't. Watching James torment Phil was just way too much fun. James currently had Phil hanging upside down from the ceiling and was spinnning him around in circles as fast as he could. Cooper and Connor were trying to tie Glenn down to a chair, but Glenn was fighting them every step of the way.

"James stop!" Phil whined as he desperately tried to grab on to something that would make him stop spinning. "Please! No more! I'm gonna get sick!"

"Remind me why I should care!" James replied.

Adam winced and looked away. "I think I'm gonna get sick just watching this. There is way too much spinning going on."

"I agree," Gil said.

"Wusses!" Jeff shouted. He began spinning around in circles. "You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby!"

"I'm sorry!" Phil yelled as his face started to turn green. "James I'm sorry! I'll never change the channel when you're watching something again!"

James stopped spinning Phil, but it probably wasn't because that promise had been made. "Didn't I just make you shave last month? Why are you all hairy again?"

"Um....I um...I..."

"I told him he could do it if he wants to," Glenn snapped. "It's not even your business James. He's my lover and it's his facial hair."

"But we all have to look at it!" James pointed out.

"Yeah really," Cooper agreed.

"Well if you can't see that my Phil is still sexy--"

"You think he's sexy like this?" James asked incredulously. "If Mark ever grew that much facial hair, our relationship would run into a serious problem."

Mark reached up and ran his fingers over what facial hair he did have. _Note to self: always invest in shaving. It'll keep James a very happy killer._

Glenn glared at James. "Phil is sexy no matter what he does or what he looks like, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my white ass!"

Jeff suddenly raised his hands. "Is it as white as Sheamus is?"

"Jeff!" Matt said in shock.

"What?" Jeff asked innocently. "You were thinking it!"

"No I wasn't."

"Oh yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

Glenn suddenly yanked himself free from Cooper and Connor's grip and grabbed James by the throat. James grabbed Glenn's throat in return and suddenly it was the clash of the giants. James managed to shove Glenn up against the wall, but didn't keep him there for long. Glenn shoved back and soon enough the two of them were fighting all over the living room.

"Go Daddy!" Connor yelled excitedly.

"Yeah!" Cooper agreed. "Kick his ass!"

"Aw, nobody's cheering for Glenn yet," Jeff noticed. He clapped his hands together. "Go Glenn! I'll be nice and cheer for you!"

Matt quickly grabbed Adam by the hand and moved both him and himself out of the way. "Someone is going to get hurt here," he said out loud.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Thank you Captain Obvious. I'm glad you pointed that out."

"Can someone please let me down?" Phil asked. He was trying to reach up and get himself down, but it wasn't going well so far. "Please? I don't feel so well right now."

Cooper smirked. "Well what are you going to do for us if we do let you down?"

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "Are you going to get us cookies?"

Cooper glared at his younger brother. "Not everything in life is about cookies!"

Connor glared at Cooper. "Shut up infidel. Everything is about cookies. Cookies are the bomb." He began giggling madly. "Boom boom! Bombs go boom boom! Kofi goes boom boom!" He did the clapping thing Kofi always did and then did the Boom Drop right on to the floor. "Owie! Cooper, I just hurted my butt!"

Mark shook his head and chuckled. Connor annoyed him more often than not, but sometimes he got a kick out of the kid. Not that he would ever admit that out loud of course. Word might get back to Connor and then that could mean the brat would start annoying him more. And that would not be a good thing at all.

"Would you two be careful?" Gil yelled at James and Glenn. "You're going to--look out!"

The warning came too late though. Both James and Glenn ended up falling into the Christmas tree, knocking it over and making a lot of the ornaments fall off of it.

"Holy shit!" Adam yelled.

"Damn it!" James cursed. "I branch just hit me in the eye!"

"Forget that damn branch!" Glenn growled. "Something just cut my back!"

Mark sighed as he walked over there and pulled both of them to their feet. "You both are fucking idiots," he informed them. "Look what you did! You squashed the poor tree!"

"We did not!" James denied. He set the tree back upright and fixed some of the branches. "See? It's still okay!"

Glenn frowned. "I don't know...it kind of looks like it's going to fall over again."

James glared at him. "Whose side are you on Crispy Critter?"

"Would you both please just stop?" Mark asked. "I swear, sometimes you two are worse than an old married couple."

"Hey! I'm begging you people here to get me the fuck down!" Phil was not going to let himself be ignored.

Glenn immediately went to his honey's side and got him down. "Poor baby," Glenn said quietly. "I'm sorry honey."

"It was terrible Glenn," Phil pouted. He wrapped his arms around Glenn's neck and buried his face into the bald headed man's chest. "I don't like it here. Why do we always come here?"

"Because we would have nobody to torture if you weren't here," Cooper pointed out.

"Yeah," Connor said. He got up to his feet and poked Phil's arm. "We loves ya Philly."

"No we don't," James said automatically. He looked at Mark. "I'm bored!"

Mark frowned. "Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"Um....um.....I gots an idea!" James said triumphantly.

"If it's for an orgy, I think I'm going to pass," Gil informed him.

James rolled his eyes. "No, it's not an orgy."

"It's not?" Jeff sounded disappointed.

"Nope. Although I won't rule that out for later." James started to run out the door. "Give me a half hour and I'll have everything we'll need!"

Mark shook his head and sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Connor tilted his head to the side. "Oh come on Marky? It's Daddy! What do ya got to worry about?"

XXXXX

Thirty minutes later, Connor's question was answered. "You have got to be kidding me," Mark said in disbelief. "Seriously James? You're really going to do this?"

James frowned. "Sure I am. Why wouldn't I?"

"Uh...because it's stupid!" Mark said, stating the obvious. He looked at the scene in front of him. James had tied a giant sled to the bumper of his truck and apparently the plan was for two or three people to ride on the sled while someone else drove it all over the street.

"It's not stupid!" James denied.

"Actually it is," Glenn said. "Someone is going to get hurt."

James rolled his eyes. "No they won't." He held up three football helmets. "See? I've got these!" He put one on over his Santa hat. "Now would you people stop being pussies and do this with me?"

"I'll do it Daddy!" Connor said eagerly.

"Me too," Jeff volunteered.

Matt shook his head. "Jeff--"

"Save it Matty. Imma doin' this whether you like it or not!"

"That's the spirit!" James handed the helmets to Connor and Jeff. "Who's driving?"

"I'll drive," Cooper volunteered.

"Well then I call shotgun," Adam said.

Mark just climbed into the back of the truck (Matt joined him seconds later. "This is going to come back and bite you in the ass Lawson," he warned. "I hope you know that."

His warning went ignored of course. It always did. James, Connor and Jeff climbed on to the sled while Cooper and Adam got into the truck. He felt like he should put a stop to this, or at least insist on elbow and knee pads, but he decided against it. If the idiots were stupid enough to want to ride on that sled, then that was their problem.

"I'm not sure if Cooper driving is the best idea," Matt muttered. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

"If you got such a bad feeling, why don't you jump out while you still have the chance?" Mark asked.

"Someone has to watch out for Jeff."

"We--HOLY FUCKHEAD!" Cooper had sped off as fast as he could, hitting the mailbox and turning so fast that he lost control of the truck and they almost spun completely around. "COOPER BENJAMIN LAWSON!"

"WHEE!" Jeff and Connor shouted while James just cackled. They had gone from the driveway all the way over to the neighbor's yard from what Cooper had just done.

"I told you that I had a bad feeling!" Matt exclaimed. He was hanging on to the side of the truck for dear life.

Mark didn't have time to answer him. He banged on the back window, yelling for Cooper to slow down. Cooper did the exact opposite of that though. He just kept going faster and faster, obviously not giving a shit about what the hell he was doing. "LAWSON!" he yelled as Cooper started swerving all over the place just to make the sled go everywhere. "YOUR SON IS A MANIAC!"

"I KNOW!" JAMES YELLED BACK. "ISN'T IT GREAT?"

"NO IT IS NOT GREAT! YOU TELL HIM TO SLOW DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

"I DON'T THINK HE CAN HEAR ME MARKY!"

Mark growled. This was not good. He should have known better than to get involved in this. He didn't know what the fuck he had been thinking when he climbed into the back of the truck.

"Cooper! Bad! Bad Cooper!" Matt shouted as Cooper turned the corner and went on to a street that had more traffic. He was now swerving from lane to lane, causing people to nearly wreck trying to get out of his way.

"Dear mother of God, we are going to die," Mark muttered.

"Faster!" Jeff yelled. "Go faster!"

Cooper did go faster, and he turned another corner. Suddenly the rope that was tying the sled came loose and James, Connor and Jeff ended up crashing into a poor, defenseless trashcan that was sitting on the curb. Before Mark could do anything, Cooper came screeching to a halt. "Did we loose them?" he asked as he opened the car door.

Mark didn't answer. He just got out of the truck and tried to grab Cooper by the throat. "Who in the blue hell taught you how to drive?" he shouted. "Huh? Who did it? You could have killed us all and--"

Cooper punched Mark in the gut and took off running. Mark growled and began to chase after him. Cooper was so fucking dead when he got his hands on him.


	8. Chapter 8

Cooper ran all the way back to the house and locked the door behind him. Mark was still chasing him and there was going to be hell if he caught him. Apparently Mark had a problem with his driving skills, which was something he just couldn't understand. He thought that he was a good driver. Sure he went a little fast sometimes and he occasionally hit something, but that was beside the point. The point was, he was a fucking good driver, and he did not deserve to be killed by Mark just because the old man was turning into a pussy with age.

Gil, who hadn't left the house when everyone else out, gave him a strange look. "What the hell you running from?"

"I'm not running from anything," Cooper lied. He walked over to the couch and reached into the cushions. "I'm just taking some precautions." He pulled out a baseball bat he kept stashed there in case of an emergency.

Gil rolled his eyes. "Yeah sure. Whatever."

Cooper glared at him. "Don't whatever me! You don't whatever a serial killer!"

"Well I just did," Gil replied. "Now what are you going to do about it?"

Before Cooper could think of a response to that, Mark came in through the front door. Cooper almost asked how the hell Mark got in without breaking the door down, but then he remembered that Mark more than likely had his keys with him. All the bastard had to do was unlock the damn door. "Fuck!" he said in exasperation. He held up the baseball bat. "You stay over there, or I'm cracking your skull with this!"

Mark glared at him before holding up a tire iron. "You're completely overreacting," he said. "I wasn't going to--"

"If you weren't going to do anything, then why did you come in here with a tire iron?" Cooper asked, cutting Mark right off.

Mark looked down at the weapon before shrugging. "Okay, so I was going to threaten you a little bit with this. But it's only because I need you to find someone to teach you how to drive better. You drive exactly like James does."

Cooper gave Mark a defiant look. "So? What's wrong with the way Dad drives?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "Come on Cooper, don't ask stupid questions like that. You know exactly what's wrong with the way James drives."

The part that sucked was that Cooper did know that. James drove like a complete and total maniac. "I'm not as bad as he is," he said defensively. "You're overreacting because you're a pussy."

That little insult instantly brought some fire into the Deadman's eyes. "Don't you fucking start that shit with me boy," he growled. "I'll fucking knock your head right off your body if I have to."

Cooper raised the baseball bat up so he could be prepared for Mark attempting to do just that. "Try it pussy!" he challenged. Maybe this wasn't the best idea that he had ever come up with, but now that he had gone down this road, he would be damned if he stopped now.

Gil put his hands up. "Hey now, don't fight! It's Christmas. This time of the year is about peace on earth and good will toward man and--" He stopped when he saw the incredulous looks Mark and Cooper were giving him. "Fine," he said in defeat. "Just forget it." He began to walk away. "If you need me, I'm going to be calling the girl I took out last night."

_Damn, the old geezer has game,_ Cooper thought in amusement. That was where that thought stopped though, because the last thing he wanted was to get an icky visual in his head. To distract himself from the thought of Gil getting laid, he looked at Mark. "Well?" he said, waving his bat around just a little bit.

Mark just shook his head. "Have you gone completely insane? Why would you want to--damn it boy!" He raised the tire iron so he could block the baseball bat Cooper was now swinging at his head.

Cooper just laughed. Now he was just feeling ornery, so he was going to go after Mark whether the older man liked it or not. "On guard!" he yelled, acting like this was a damn sword fight or something. Mark blocked all of his swings as best as he could, but Cooper knew that it was just a matter to time before the bat met the Deadman's head.

"What the fuck are you two doing?" James asked as he and the others came back into the house.

"Your son is attacking me!" Mark replied. The "sword" fight was moving all around the room, and the missed swings were knocking all kinds of shit over.

"I am not!" Cooper denied. "He's attacking me!"

"Well I don't care who attacked who first!" James told them. "I didn't tell you two that you could fight in my living room so knock it off!"

Cooper and Mark ignored him. Cooper was having too much fun swinging a weapon at Mark's head and if Mark stoopped defending himself now, he was going to get his head taken right off. James, who hated to be ignored almost more than anything else in the world, ran out of the room and came back with a golf club. "I swear to God, if you do not stop fighting, I'm bashing both your--fucking shit child!" James was instantly pulled into the fight because Cooper tried to hit him too. "Have you gone completely insane?"

"Maybe," Cooper replied. Now he was fighting both Mark and James at the same time and he was doing pretty well for himself. Of course it helped that James didn't want to hit him so he was only defending himself and Mark seemed reluctant to fight back too hard because James would really get pissed if Cooper got hit too hard. So in reality, the two of them were easy pickings for Cooper.

"Go Coopy!" Connor cheered. He was clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

"You're not going to cheer for your daddy?" Jeff asked in confusion.

Connor shook his head. "Nope. I want Coopy to win. Go Coopy!"

"Aw, that's sad," Jeff said. "I'll cheer for your daddy then. Go James!"

Connor glared at Jeff before smacking him. "No! You cheer for Coopy!"

"But--"

"No buts! You do what I say bitch!" Just to prove his point, he smacked Jeff across the face.

"Hey!" Matt said as Jeff cried out in pain. "Don't do that!"

"I do what I want!" Connor said defiantely. He went to hit Jeff again and that was when he was tackled by Matt.

"Hey!" Cooper shouted. He saw that and he immediately abandoned the fight he was having with James and Mark so he could smack Matt right on the back with his bat. "Get off my brother!"

Matt groaned in pain as soon as the bat made contact with his back. "Damn it Cooper," he grunted as he rolled around on the floor in pain.

"Hey!" Adam said. He shoved Cooper in the chest as hard as he could. "What the hell was that for?"

"He tackled Connor!" Cooper pointed out.

"Yeah really," James said, glaring at Matt (who was being tended to by Jeff). "He's lucky I don't do something to him for that."

"He smacked me first!" Jeff pointed out.

"So?" Cooper and James said at the same time.

Phil leaned over towards Glenn. "These people are crazy," he whispered. "Why do we hang out with them?"

"Because Mark is family," Glenn whispered back. "And James is my in-law."

"You need to find a new in-law then."

James glared at Phil. "I'm not exactly sure what you just said, and you better hope I don't find out."

Phil gulped and hid behind Glenn.

Mark put up his hands. "Okay people, let's just settle down. I want a truce right here and now."

"Yeah really!" Gil yelled from the other room. "Do you know how hard it is to have phone sex when you're making all that noise in there?"

The words "awkward silence" were truly redefined at that moment. Nobody knew what to do or say in response to that. Even James was at a loss for words, and that rarely happened.

"Dad!" Matt whined the same time Jeff yelled "Gross!"

"I'm scarred for life now," Phil whimpered as he buried his face into Glenn's back.

Mark held up his hands to signal for everyone to be quiet again. "We're going to go out and go do something," he said gravely. "Maybe see a movie, or even just go for a drive. And while we do that, we're going to forget we ever heard that. Do you understand?"

"But but....he's going to get old people jizz all over my things!" James protested.

"James!" Mark growled.

"But he is!"

Cooper rubbed his eyes. "Dad....I want to put you at ease right now, but I'm too grossed out to even go there. Can we please just get out of here and try to forget we ever heard that?"

"Ooohhh! We could think about how I'm going to perfect my kidnapping Sandy Claws plan!" Connor suggested.

Everyone groaned.

Connor glared at them and pulled out his knife. "What was that?"

"Nothing," they all said quickly. They weren't going to mess with Connor today. Not when they had to forget about Gil's phone sex.

"Good," Connor said happily. "Now let's get going. I want Sandy Claws' head on a silver platter, and if I don't get it, there will be hell to pay!"

Cooper gulped. He knew Connor was serious and that was actually kind of scary. _Must live through this holiday, must live through this holiday..._


	9. Chapter 9

_December 23rd: Just after midnight_

James looked at the elaborate set up in front of him. This issue Connor had with Santa had gone on for way, WAY too long. Currently there was a complex system of pulleys and ropes connected to the trees and the roof of the house, and they were being used to hold up Connor (who was in the sleigh), the reindeer, Snoopy (who looked terrified out of his fucking mind) were facing off with Phil (who was up there dressed in a Santa suit and was sitting on an old sled they had found in the garage). James, Mark, Cooper and Glenn were controlling the pulleys since they were the strongest people there. Jeff, Matt and Adam were holding a giant net that was supposed to catch anyone or anything that could possibly fall. But knowing Jeff and Adam, if something was to fall, they would more than likely run away so that they didn't get squashed.

"My arms hurt!" Jeff whined. He was shifting around from foot to foot and he looked like he was going to pull a Connor and start throwing a fit. "I'm tired Matty!"

"Well what do you want me to do Jeff?" Matt asked. He was also tired so he was getting really snappy with everyone around him.

"Tell James to tell Connor to let us stop," Jeff replied. "I wants to go sleepies."

Matt sighed and looked at James. James shrugged and looked up at Connor. "Son--"

"NO!" Connor shrieked. He glared down angrily at James. "I hast to perfect it! Santa comes tomorrow night! Do you want me to not be ready?"

"Well if I get to go inside, then yes!" James replied honestly. He wasn't going to admit it yet, but his arms were aching just a little bit from running the pulleys from the past two hours.

Connor took off his shoe and held it up in a threatening manner. "Daddy Imma throw this at you if you don't be quiet!" He banged his fist on his sleigh. "Now let's do it again! Whatever voodoo that makes sleighs float doesn't start tomorrow so I still needs you guys."

"There is no fucking voodoo!" Phil shouted. He was laying down on his stomach so he could cling to the sled for dear life. "Santa is not real! He cannot give or steal toys or come after you because he is a figment of children's imagination! He is an idea that parents let their kids believe so the little snots can bug someone else about what they want for Christmas! Now can I please be let down now?"

Connor glared at him. "Spoken like a true minion of Santa!" He took his knife out of his pocket and stood up. "I knew there was something evil about you Brooks! Die you hairy beast!"

"Glenn!" Phil shrieked. He looked terrified for his life (and for good reason). "Get me down from here! I don't want to die!"

"Connor you leave him alone!" Glenn shouted as he worked on doing just that. "Or I'm going to kick your fucking ass!"

"You will not!" James said automatically. He glared daggers at the Big Red Machine. "You touch one hair on his head and your crispy ass is dead!"

Glenn glared back at him. He was one of the few people besides Mark and the boys that James couldn't automatically intimidate. "You know what Lawson? I'm sick of all of you beating up on my Phil. You not liking him is your own fucking problem. He's done nothing to deserve any of the crap you put him through!"

"Sure he has!" James insisted. "He's annoying isn't he?"

Glenn almost went to hit James but then caught sight of Connor acting like he was going to jump from his sleigh over to Phil's sled. "Mark! Tell James to control his child and help get everyone down!"

"Mark! Tell Glenn to stop being a fucking anal bead!" James said.

Mark rolled his eyes. "You know, I don't say this often, but I'm with Glenn on this one. This has gotta--Connor don't!"

That yell came too late. Connor launched himself from his sleigh and went over Snoopy and the reindeer and tried to get on to the sled with Phil. Unfortunately he came up a little short, and he barely managed to grab on to the edge of the sled before he fell into the net. The extra body weight that added to the sled moved half of it down violently and Phil ended up slipping off and having to grab on to Connor's waist as he fell.

"Oh holy shit!" Cooper exclaimed. "Someone grab the damn ladder!"

"You've got legs!" Mark reminded him. "You go get it!"

In the end, Cooper didn't have time to get the ladder. Connor let go of the sled on purpose, which caused him and Phil to fall down into the net. Connor landed on his feet and Phil was only spared a painful landing because he still had himself wrapped around Connor's waist. Snoopy saw that they were safe on the ground and began barking his head off, obviously upset that he didn't get the same right. Mark and James got to work on getting him, the reindeer and the sleigh lowered to the ground as fast as they could. Once they did that, and as soon as they got the animals released from the bungees that had been used to help keep them up in the air, Snoopy ran at Connor and nipped the back of his leg before running to hide in the bushes.

"Snoopy!" Connor yelled, his feeling obviously hurt by Snoopy's actions. He pushed Phil off of him and stared at his puppy in shock.

"Well what do you expect?" Adam said. "If I was him, I would have bit you harder!"

Connor glared at the Rated R Superstar. "You shut up!" he snarled before going over to the bushes to console his beagle.

James sighed and shook his head. Now Connor was going to be upset if Snoopy didn't forgive him soon. "Well this has been fun," he said sarcastically. He began to walk towards the house. "I need a drink."

"What about all this shit?" Matt asked, pointing to the mess that was still all over the yard.

James shrugged. "What about it? It's not going anywhere."

"That's James's way of saying that we should clean it up later," Mark told Matt. "But knowing Lawson's lazy ass, he'll try to get me to do most of the cleaning."

James didn't even try to deny Mark's accusation because it was the truth. Instead he just went into the house and headed straight to the kitchen. He found Gil sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. "Hello Claude G," he said as he walked over to the booze cabinet and pulled out several bottles of whiskey.

"You boys finally done playing with each other?" Gil asked without looking up from his paper.

"Well I'm gonna play with Mark in a little bit, but as for the orgy that was going on outside, yeah we're done," James replied without missing a beat.

Gil shook his head. "Now did Snoopy and the reindeer get involved, or--"

"Legend! That's disgusting!" James said with a shake of his head. He started to walk towards the table with the bottles of whiskey in his hands when he almost tripped over Spike, who had come out of nowhere. "Damn it to hell!" he yelled as he barely managed to keep a hold of the booze. "You stupid goat! What have I told you about doing that shit?"

Spike immediately turned around and tried to run away, but he ended up crashing into the wall. That made James and Gil roar with laughter.

"James! Dad! Don't be mean to Spike!" Jeff scolded as he and the others came into the house. The Enigma went over to Spike and gave the goat a hug. "It's okay Spike. I'll protect you from the mean peoples."

Spike just blinked dumbly at Jeff. He still looked dazed from running into the wall.

James rolled his eyes and set the bottles of whiskey down on the table. "Fuck, I forgot the shot glasses," he muttered. He looked over at Jeff. "Go get them for me."

Jeff glared at him. "What's in it for me?"

"Skittles."

Jeff went running for the glasses like his life depended on it.

Phil folded his arms over his chest. "I cannot believe you're putting that poison into you!" he said in disbelief. "Do you have any idea what that stuff is going to do to your liver?"

James shrugged. "No, but why should I care? I can always just get one liver taken out and just survive with the other."

Mark shook his head. "James, you only have one liver. I think you're thinking about your kidneys."

"Oh. Whatever." James unscrewed the lid off the first bottle as Jeff came back with the glasses. "Who cares? I just want to get fucked up."

Jeff set the glasses down on the table. "Where are my Skittles? You promised Skittles!"

"Yeah about that....I kind of lied."

Jeff's jaw dropped in shock. "Bastard!" He smacked James on the arm before storming out of the room.

James shrugged off Jeff's outburst as he poured the drinks. He would make it up to the kid later by going out and actually buying him some Skittles. Once he did that, he would be totally forgiven.

"What do you think you're doing?" Phil asked Glenn as the Big Red Machine reached for one of the glasses.

Glenn froze. He had a "deer in the headlights" look on his face, which made James snigger and Mark smirk. "I'm just uh...I'm just gonna smell it to make sure James didn't put anything poisonous in it," Glenn finally lied lamely.

Phil put his hands on his hips and glared at Glenn. "Glenn Jacobs! Don't lie to me! You were going to drink that weren't you?"

"Well so what if I was?" Glenn replied. "I was only going to drink one!"

Phil stomped his foot as an exasperated sound came out of his mouth. "Glenn! You can't--ugh!" He stomped his foot again and then stormed off.

Cooper pointed at the direction Phil stormed off in and looked at Glenn. "And you wonder why we don't like him," he said matter of factly.

Glenn glared at him before chasing after Phil. James made whipping sounds as Glenn went, getting chuckles out of Matt and Adam.

"Well then," Mark said, grabbing a shot glass and holding it up. "If nobody has any other objections, who says we start drinking?"

Everyone else responded by grabbing a glass and downing the alcohol. "Right on mother fuckers," Mark said in appreciation. "Right the fuck on."

XXXXXXXX

"Snoopy come on," Connor said with a pout. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you go up there. That was very naughty of me." He reached his hand into the bushes. His knees were beginning to hurt from being on them for so long, but he didn't care. He wanted his puppy to forgive him. "Please forgive me?"

Snoopy sniffed his hand before looking at him. It was almost like he was saying "you have to do better than that".

Connor sighed and pouted. "Please Snoopy?" He pouted his lips and acted like he was about to cry.

Snoopy finally licked his hand and wagged his tail.

"Yay!" Connor cheered. He pulled Snoopy out of the bushes and hugged him tightly. Snoopy immediately began licking his face, which made him giggle. "I loves you too Snoopy," he said happily.

His phone rang, making him jump a little bit. Making sure to keep a hold of Snoopy, he stood up and dug the ringing device out of his pocket. "Eh oh?" he chirped.

"Connor we can't do this," Cody said immediately. "I mean I know you want us to, but this feels wrong. Can't you get Cooper something else?"

Connor scowled. He had hired Ted and Cody to be his delivery boys about a week ago and they were frustrating the hell out of him. "You listen here! You're gonna get Cooper's present here and you're going to get it here fast! You understand?"

"But but--" Cody started to object.

"Silence! I kill you!" Connor yelled. He meant it too. "Now think really hard Cody. Are you scared of me?"

"Yes," Cody whimpered.

"Do you want me to kill you?"

"No."

"Then get me my Coopy's present pronto!" Connor hung up the phone and sighed. Cody and Ted were so useless sometimes. _I'll have to whip them into shape if they're going to be my minions. Hehehehe whip. Whip's a funny word. Whip whip whip whip whip..._


	10. Chapter 10

Glenn entered the room he and Phil were staying here for the duration of the Christmas celebration. He really wished that Phil hadn't just acted the way he did. It pretty much fuled all three Lawsons' dislike for the younger man and gave them ammunition to use in their crusade to get Phil out of their lives. Of course he didn't actually care what any of the psychos thought of Phil; hell, he didn't even care what Mark thought of his lover. He loved Phil and that was what mattered. But he did realize that Phil never did himself some favors by acting the like the "princess" everyone accused him of being. Phil was wound up too tightly about the whole drinking thing, and he definitely did whine a little too much...although in his defense, he wasn't as bad as everyone thought he was when people didn't constantly torment him. Glenn knew from experience that Phil didn't whine nearly as much when they were alone together. That was enough for him to put pretty much all the blame on James and not dump Phil like everyone wanted him to.

Phil was laying down on the bed, hugging a pillow and pouting. "What? You not gonna go ruin your liver with the other cavemen downstairs?"

Glenn shut the door and locked it. "First of all, let me remind you of one thing: if I want to drink, then I will do it. You are not the boss of me."

Phil rested his chin on the pillow. "I know, but I don't want you drinking here! Once you start, you let James feed you that poison and then when you pass out, he terrorizes me!" He put the pillow on the bed and punched it several times. "The last time you all got shit faced, he and Connor kidnapped me and tried to bury me alive! They actually took me to a cemetary and tried to dig up a coffin so they could stick me in there and bury me with a decomposed body!" He stopped punching the pillow so he could hug it again. "They hate me Glenn. I don't see why I have to be here." He sniffled and gave Glenn a pouty look. "I want to go home."

Glenn sighed and sat down next to his boyfriend. "I know you do," he said gently. "But as much as I hate it, if the psychos are family for Mark, they're my family too."

Phil kept pouting. "I know, but that doesn't mean we need to spend DAYS here. Sometimes I think you hate me."

"I do not hate you," Glenn said with a roll of his eyes. "Don't talk like that. That makes me feel bad." He ruffled Phil's hair affectionately. "Look, if we live through this holiday, I promise that we'll only come here only on Thanksgiving and Christmas day. No stopping by ahead of time. Would that be better?"

Phil bit his lower lip. "Yeah but I might not get to another holiday at this rate!" He sighed. "I don't see why you even bother with these guys. They don't even act like they like you. The way they talk to you....would anyone else get away with calling you Crispy Critter?"

"No," Glenn admitted. "But--"

"Are you scared of him or something?"

Glenn glared at his lover. "I am not scared of him and you damn well know it!"

"But if anyone else called you that, you would send them straight to hell!" Phil pointed out. "If I even called you that I wouldn't get away with it!"

"Phil--"

"Crispy Critter!" Phil said, obviously trying to prove his point. "You are a deep fried crispy--"

"Phillip Jack Brooks, if you finish that sentence I'm spanking you!" Glenn threatened.

Phil paused for a second but then began poking Glenn in the chest and jumping around like Connor. "Crispy Critter! Crispy Critter! Crispy--"

Glenn grabbed Phil by the arm and pulled the younger man over his lap. Within seconds, he had Phil's sweat pants pulled down and he was delivering a hard smack to his lover's ass. "What was that now?" he growled.

"Owie," Phil replied. He looked back at Glenn and pouted. "So James gets a free pass and I get a spanking?"

"No, James does not get a free pass," Glenn grunted. He smacked Phil's ass again. "I will chokeslam the hell out of James the next time he calls me that fucking name. And you want to know what? I'll chokeslam Mark and Cooper and Connor while I'm at it." He smirked as he felt something hard pressing up against his leg. "Phil?"

"Yeah?" Phil whispered.

"Did you get hard from the spanking or the thought of me beating up James?"

"Ummm....is it bad if I say both?"

Glenn grinned. "No..." He spanked Phil a couple of more times just for the hell of it. "Actually, I think I should beat up James just to get you all hot and bothered." He began pulling Phil's pants the rest of his way off his body. "Would you like that? Huh? You want me to beat up James and make him bleed?"

Phil nodded as he was sat up and had his shirt taken off of him. "Make him bleed a lot," he said eagerly. "Bust his head through some glass and then run him over with a car."

It may have just been the way Phil said it right then, but that actually turned Glenn on too. He quickly began removing his own clothes and got Phil pinned down underneath him. They kissed each other hungrily, and Phil giggled as his hands were pinned down to the matress. Glenn nipped Phil's lower lip hard enough to draw some blood. Phil moaned and thrusted his hips up so that their erections rubbed against each other. Glenn growled and began kissing his way down Phil's body. He loved the way the Straightedge Superstar was already whimpering and writhing underneath him.

"Glennnnnnn!" Phil whined as Glenn circled his tongue around the head of Phil's swollen member. He tried to thrust his hips up so Glenn would be forced to take him into his mouth, but the Big Red Machine wouldn't let that happen. "Don't tease me like that. That's not nice!"

Glenn just chuckled. "Of course it isn't? What do you expect out of me?" He began running his tongue up and down Phil's shaft, relishing in the whimpers he received from it. Phil was rapidly becoming putty in his hands, which was always fun.

After a little bit more of torturous teasing, Glenn took Phil's entire length into his mouth and sucked on it as hard as he could. Phil moaned and managed to thrust up into Glenn's mouth this time. Glenn took that in stride, merely relaxing his throat and swallowing around the length. But he didn't let Phil do that too many more times though. He was in the one in charge here and he was setting the pace of this blowjob.

"Glenn...oh God...fuck..." Phil whimpered, thrashing his head from side to side. He was a hot mess at the moment, which turned Glenn on even more. Deciding that he needed to speed things right along, Glenn gently inserted two dry fingers into Phil's body. Phil's passage immediately tightened around the intrusion, but he relaxed as Glenn began fingering him.

"Glenn..." Phil gasped as he prostate was poked. "Oh fuck me!"

"In a minute," Glenn replied. He took his fingers out and replaced them with his tongue. He tongue fucked Phil as fast as he could, loving the way his baby tasted. Once his baby was good and wet, he removed his tongue and slid his long thick dick inside his lover and began thrusting in and out of him easily. Phil moaned wildly and clawed at Glenn's black, leaving trails of blood on Glenn's back. The pain only added to Glenn's pleasure and he thrusted into Phil even harder. "Stroke yourself baby," he whispered. "I want to watch you do it."

Phil, who had almost seemingly been way too lost in his pleasure to hear anything, began stroking himself frantically. Glenn began thrusting even faster so he could match Phil's strokes. Phil came first and his scream was enough to make Glenn cum too. Glenn milked his release for all that it was worth before reluctantly pulling out of his lover and collapsing off to the side.

Phil gasped for breath and then snuggled up to Glenn. "Love you," he mumbled sleepily.

Glenn smiled and wrapped his arms around Phil. "Love you too," he replied as he began to drift off to sleep.

.....

Cooper woke up on the kitchen table about eight hours after he had passed out. He rubbed his eyes as he sat up and groaned. His head hurt and he had the taste of stale alcohol in his mouth. He looked around to see if there was anyone in the room with him. The only person there was Jeff. "Where's everyone else?"

"Glenn and Phil are out doing their own thing, Dad's watching TV and everyone else is still sleeping off their hangovers," Jeff replied. He played with his hair (which was in pigtails) and kept staring out the window. "At least I think that's what they're doing. It's been awfully quiet today."

"Well then they probably are sleeping then," Cooper said. He rolled off the table and rubbed the back of his neck. His body was stiff as hell now. He needed to tell James to get a more comfortable table. "What's wrong with you? You look sad about something."

Jeff sighed. "I miss the snow. There's no snow outside!"

"I know there's not. That's why I love Vegas. I fucking hate snow."

Jeff gasped. "How can you say that? Snow is fun!"

"Snow is cold," Cooper replied. "And I don't like cold."

"Well you've obviously never given it a fair shot," Jeff replied, putting his hands on his hips. "And that's unfair to the snow."

Cooper sighed. He was way too hungover to be dealing with this. He was already wishing that he was still asleep. "Well we're not going to get any snow so--"

"We could make our own!" Jeff suddenly shouted, making Cooper's headache even worse. "We can make our own snow in the back yard and then we can play with it. All we need is lots of ice and a wood chipper!"

Cooper shook his head. He already didn't like the sound of that. "Jeff come on, that's stupid. I don't want to do that."

Jeff didn't pay any attention to him. He just took off, babbling about his snow. After some hesitation, Cooper took off after him. Knowing Jeff, the Enigma would probably land himself into trouble if he started wandering around Las Vegas by himself. _Of course I've been known to get into trouble too. But if something does handle, I can at least get us out of it by kicking the shit out of people._


	11. Chapter 11

_December 24_

"James! James! Would you wake up already?"

"Ahs gas goose goose!" James mumbled tiredly. His head hurt really bad so getting up was one of the last things he wanted to do. "Fuck off."

Mark sighed impatiently before smacking James on the arm really hard. "Damn it Lawson! Jeff, Cooper and my Hummer are missing. You need to track down your boy and tell him to stop stealing my cars!"

James finally opened his eyes so he could give Mark and irritated glare. "You woke me up to tell me that. Damn it Mark, Cooper steals my cars all the time and I don't wake you up to tell you about that." He looked over at the clock and raised his eyebrows. He had slept through the entire day and it was now officially Christmas Eve. "Holy shit balls," he said under his breath. "I'm surprised Connor didn't wake me up by now."

Mark rolled his eyes. "Forget about Connor for two seconds! My Hummer--"

"How do you even know they took your Hummer?" James asked impatiently. He knew that Mark loved that fucking Hummer, but damn it, he really didn't give a rat's ass at the moment. He was way too hungover to deal with any bullshit at the moment.

"Because every other car is here except for that one and everyone else but them is here too," Mark replied. "Do the math Lawson."

"I don't want to do the math," James replied. "I hate math. It can kiss my ass." He almost closed his eyes again but he decided to keep them open so he could see Mark's reaction following the question he was about to ask. "If I asked you to, would you spray tan my ass?"

Mark shook his head. "No," he answered immediately. "Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Because that would just kill any sense of dignity I have. And I happen to like my dignity."

"Dignity is overrated," James said. "At least yours is anyway."

Mark glared at him. "My dignity is overrated. What about yours?"

"Oh my dignity is important to everyone," James informed him. "And if it's not, then I'll just make sure to kill some people until it is."

"Wonderful," Mark muttered. He started to get up when he was grabbed by the wrist and pulled back on to the bed. "What the fuck Lawson?"

"Bad Marky," James scolded as he quickly climbed on top of his lover. "I didn't tell you that you could get up yet."

Mark raised his eyebrows. "Oh so you're the boss now?"

"Yup. I'm large--" James made sure to rub his erection up against Mark as he said that part "--and in charge." He tried to pin Mark's wrists down on to the bed, but Mark shifted his body suddenly and started rolling so he could be on top. Instead of resisting, James actually rolled with Mark. It wasn't an act of submission though. It just made it so when they rolled off the bed, he ended up landing on top of Mark as they fell to the floor.

"Mother fucker!" Mark yelled loudly. "You fucking--" The rest of what he was going to say was cut off by James kissing him roughly. He kissed back hungrily, but at the same time he was trying to push James away.

_Asshole thinks he's topping today,_ James thought in amusement. _That's cute._ He got even rougher with his kissing while he reached down Mark's pants and grabbed a hold of his lover's dick. He began stroking the member, which made Mark groan and stop his struggling. "You bastard," Mark groaned as James kissed and licked his neck. "You're cheating."

"Am not," James denied. As his one hand continued to stroke Mark's radpidly hardening cock, the other was working on discarding their pants. Once their pants were thrown across the room, he ran his tongue all over Mark's collar bone. "All's fair when it comes to sex Marky. You of all people should know that."

Mark grunted and tried to push James away so he could get some sort of advantage. James wasn't having any of that though. Knowing that he didn't have much time, he slammed himself into Mark's body as hard and fast as he could. Mark let out a yell of pain. "Fucking shit Lawson! I'm gonna fucking kick your ass for that!"

James just laughed. Mark said that a lot when he was on the receiving end of things. "Oh Marky, you're funny," he said as he pulled Taker's hair playfully. "You really are." He kissed Mark again, exploring his lover's mouth with his tongue while driving himself further into Mark's tight heat. Mark growled and began ripping his shirt to shreds. _Aw damn, I liked this one too_ James thought as he bit Mark's neck. _Oh well, I'll just make him buy me a new one._

They could hear people running around right outside their room but they really didn't pay any attention to that. They were way too absorbed in each other. James thrusted into Mark even harder (probably giving the Deadman one hell of a carpet burn in the process) and began lightly running his fingers over his lover's cock. "Want me to stroke ya again Marky?" he whispered huskily. "Huh? You want me to make you cum?"

Mark grunted something that was completely incoherent.

"What was that Marky?" James asked, biting at Mark's jaw. "Come on, I didn't hear you."

"Fuck you Lawson," Mark growled.

"Maybe later," James replied. "Now if you're going to be a little bitch..." He grabbed a hold of the base of Mark's cock and squeezed it tightly. His hand was now a temporary cock ring. "Then I'm gonna be the only one getting off here."

Mark snarled and started trying to fight James again. James almost lost control of Mark, but fortunately that didn't happen. What saved him was the fact that when Mark started moving around, he moved just enough that it made it so James hit his prostate dead on. Mark groaned loudly and immeidately tried to get James to move his hand.

"Nuh uh uh Marky," James said with a shake of his head. "None of that now."

Mark ignored him and kept trying to do it. "Lawson...."

"Come on Marky, you know what you got to say," James said. He could feel his own orgasm coming and he knew that he wasn't going to be able to hold out for much longer.

Mark moaned and closed his eyes. "Damn it James!"

"Nope, that's not it." James squeezed Mark's shaft even harder, wondering how long this was going to take.

"Ah fuck....fuck fuck fuck....would you just fucking stroke me already?"

James smirked. "What else do you say?"

Mark's eyes snapped open. In an instant, he had his hand around James's throat and he was giving it a good squeeze. "NOW!" he yelled angrily.

_I was actually looking for a please or something like that....but "now" works too._ James began stroking Mark's cock at a frenzied pace, causing Mark to let go of the chokehold he had him in. James managed to hang on long enough to make Mark cum first and then he shot his load too. "Fuck," he groaned, almost collapsing right on top of Mark. He took several deep breaths as he rested his forehead on Mark's shoulder. "That was fun."

"Yeah, but you do you know what would have made it funner? If you hadn't fucking made me land on one of Snoopy's stupid bones."

James looked at Mark and grinned just a little bit. "Whoops. My bad."

Mark glared at him. "You know you're getting some payback later, don't ya?"

"Yup. And I'll be looking forward to it."

.....

Matt rubbed his temples and sighed. He had just gotten off the phone with Jeff and now he was more than a little worried about his younger brother. According to Jeff, he and Cooper were on a mission. What that mission involved and the reasoning behind it were still unknown to Matt. And for some reason, he had a feeling that he actually didn't want to know. Jeff tended to get crazy ideas in his head and Cooper was the type to just go along with those ideas because...well mostly because he was a Lawson and going along with insane ideas was one of the things they did best.

"Damn it!" Adam yelled unhappily. "Matty, I'm losing! Distract Glenn so he'll stop beating me!" He was battling Glenn in Guitar Hero and Glenn was giving him an ass kicking of epic proportions.

Phil glared at Matt. "Don't you dare interfere Hardy! I will rub my beard all over your face if you try to make Glenn lose!"

Matt blinked several times at that threat. He had been threatened with a lot of things over the years, but never had he heard anything like that. "What?" he finally said incredulously.

Phil smirked. "Yeah, I went there. I'll fucking rub my beard all over your face while Gallows dry humps you!"

Matt shuddered. Now that was a horrifying thought. "Sorry Addy," he said. "You're on your own."

Adam pouted. "Asshole. See if I give you sex tonight." He began trying harder than ever to beat Glenn, but the Big Red Machine was way too far ahead. He won by a landslide.

"Oh yeah," Glenn said cockily. "In your fucking face Copeland!"

Adam glared at the larger man. "Fuck you asshole." He handed the guitar over to Matt. "Here. You kick his ass for me."

Matt sighed and took the guitar. He wan't any better at this game than Adam was, but he knew that he couldn't refuse the blonde. If he told Adam no, Adam would get very upset. And that would just make Matt have a huge headache, so it wasn't worth it. "Fine." He looked at Glenn, trying to tell the very pale man to take it easy on him with just his eyes. He wasn't nearly as annoying as Adam when it came to this game so he was hoping to get some sort of a break from Kane.

Glenn just smirked. "Hold on Matt, there's something I need to take care of first." He turned around and yelled "Connor!" as loud as he could.

Matt's eyes widened. He really didn't want Connor getting involved in this game. Connor got crazy when he was playing games with people, especially when those people didn't let him win.

Connor came running in so fast that he almost fell when he skidded to a stop. "What Crispy?" he asked eagerly.

"If you see your dad come out of his room before I do, tell him I have to talk to him about something," Glenn told him. "Can you do that?"

Connor put his hands on his hips. "What's in it for me?"

"Ice cream and cookies."

Connor's eyes lit up. "Yay!" He hugged Glenn happily. "I love you Uncle Glenn!"

Adam frowned. "What do you have to talk to James about?" he asked Glenn.

Glenn turned around and began to laugh evilly. Matt shuddered. _Yeah, I definitely DO NOT want to know what he's planning right now._

.....

Cooper sighed unhappily. The hunt for a giant wood chipper was not going very well. They couldn't find one anywhere and because of that, the first forty bags of ice they had stolen had melted all over the backseat of Mark's Hummer. They had gotten another forty bags, but those were going to melt too if they didn't hurry up and finish what they were doing. "This was a stupid idea," he told Jeff. "I knew I should have talked you out of this."

Jeff gave him an offended look. "This was not a stupid idea! Just because we've run into some complications--"

"Complications?" Cooper said incredulously. "Jeff, we've been searching for a wood chipper for hours now! We're not even in Vegas anymore. We're halfway across the fucking state!"

Jeff pouted his lips. "So...you don't like hanging out with me anymore? Is that it?"

Cooper sighed. Jeff was too damn sensitive sometimes. "That was not what I said and you know it," he snapped. "I--" He stopped himself in mid-sentence and immediately turned left as he spotted something out of the corner of his eye.

"Whoa!" Jeff yelled. "Cooper! What are you doing?"

Cooper ignored him and instead pulled into a golf course parking lot. "Look over there," he said.

Jeff looked and then gasped. "Wood chipper!" he exclaimed happily. He looked at Cooper. "How are we gonna steal it?"

Cooper smirked and responded by stomping on the gas as hard as he could. Jeff squealed as they crashed through the small wooden fence protecting the course and burned some serious rubber all over the course. When he got to the wood chipper, he stopped the car and got out. "Stay!" he yelled at Jeff when the Rainbow Haired Warrior tried to follow him. He ran around to the back of the Hummer and got out the chains Mark kept back there. He quickly attached the wood chipper to the bumper of the Hummer using the chains and then got back in the car and drove off just as the owner of the course came running at them.

"Go Cooper, go!" Jeff yelled.

"I'm going!" Cooper yelled back. He drove through another part of the fence and nearly did a 360 spin as he got them back on the road. "Las Vegas, here we come!"

Jeff suddenly faltered. "Wait, what if Mark's car gets damaged?"

Cooper shrugged. "Jeff it's a Hummer. If something can damage this thing, it deserves to be able to do the damage." _I wonder how much I can damage this thing...hmmm...that'll be something to test out later._


	12. Chapter 12

"You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby," Connor sang as he spun around in a circle. He was outside with Snoopy and Spike, alternating between playing with them and his headless G.I. Joe action figures. "You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby. Come on, spin with me Snoopy! You too Spike! Spin with me damn it!"

Snoopy barked and began spinning around in circles. Spike just made his goat noise before going to lay down by the tree. Connor sighed impatiently. Spike wasn't a good listener. "Dumb goat," Connor muttered. "Never listens to me...I need to make Daddy take it to goat obedience school."

A car pulled up in the driveway. Connor eyed it carefully, trying to see if it was full of infidels. Once he realized that it was just Cody and Ted, he relaxed and went over to see them. "Hello minions," he said, putting his hands on his hips and glaring at them. "Did you succeed in your task?"

"Yeah, we've got him," Ted said with a sigh. Cody was already going around to the back of the car to unlock the trunk. "I hope you know this doesn't feel right to either of us."

Connor rolled his eyes. "I'm not paying you guys to feel."

"You're not paying us at all," Cody reminded him. He opened up the trunk and glared at Connor. "I want you to know that we did this under protest."

"Whatever," Connor said, walking over so he could look inside the trunk. He really didn't care why Cody and Ted listened to him. He was just glad that Cooper's present was finally here. "Hello Randy," he said happily. "How ya doin' buddy?"

Randy looked up at Connor with wide eyes. His wrists were tied together and his mouth had a piece of duct tape over it. He tried to say something but it came out completely muffled. Connor just giggled and easily put Randy over his shoulder. "It's gonna be okay Randy," he said, patting Orton's ass. "I'm not gonna hurt ya. I just gotta give you to Cooper for Christmas. He had fun with ya during Thanksgiving and if I give you to him for Christmas, he might let me have fun with you too." He waved Cody and Ted away. "You guys can go now. I don't need you anymore."

"Wait...how long are you planning on keeping Randy?" Ted asked nervously. "I mean, you can't keep him forever."

Connor glared at Ted, which caused the Legacy member to quickly hide behind Cody. "Cooper is going to keep him for as long as he wants!" Connor declared. "And if you don't like it, I'll gut ya like a catfish!" He cackled loudly before walking around to the back door so he could attempt to sneak Randy in without anyone seeing him. He knew Cooper wasn't back yet, but he didn't want anyone else seeing Randy. Everyone inside had big fucking mouths and they would spoil everything if they got the chance. "Anyone tries to spoil this, I'll rip them apart and feed them to Snoopy," he said under his breath. He giggled and began to sing. "I have a pickle, I have a pickle, I have a pickle hey hey hey hey!"

....

James wrapped his arm around Mark as they entered the kitchen. Mark was muttering under his breath about James being too rough and how he was going to throttle the fucking "cocksucking asshole". James actually found that very amusing. "Aw, can't take it like you used to Marky?" he asked, smacking Mark's ass playfully.

Mark grunted and then glared at James. "I can take it just fine," he snapped. "The real question is, how are you going to take it later when I fuck the shit out of you?"

James smirked. "Well I would take it just fine, but there's no need for me to do it. I'll have you writhing around under me and screaming my name before the day is over."

"You sound pretty sure of that."

"Oh I'm sure. I'm damn--Connor, why do you have Randy with you?"

Connor, who had just come in the back door, froze for a second. Then he regained his composure and pointed at James while shaking his head. "You see nothing infidel!" he shouted before running out of the room. He could be heard going up the stairs and then a door slammed a couple minutes later.

Mark shook his head in disbelief. "He's weird," he declared.

James nodded. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I have a giant erection right now."

"Really?" James looked down and saw that was not the case. "Mark!"

Mark chuckled. "You didn't know that I was lying, now did you?"

James groaned loudly. "You're an ass, you know that?"

"Uh huh. I'm actually very proud of that fact."

As James's thoughts immediately turned to punishing Mark for that, Glenn and Phil entered the kitchen. Thoughts of tormenting Phil entered James's brain, but then disappeared as he was suddenly speared to the ground by Glenn.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Mark bellowed. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Oh my God!" Phil exclaimed. "That's so hot! Chokeslam him baby!"

_Oh hell noI_ James thought to himself as Glenn grabbed him by the throat and started to stand back up. He kicked in the chest, sending the bald man stumbling back just enough so he could get up himself and return the favor with a spear of his own. Glenn grunted loudly and the two of them began trying to punch the shit out of each other. James had absolutely no idea why Glenn had started this shit, but he sure as hell was going to be the one finishing it.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" James heard Matt exclaim. "What the hell is going on?"

"I don't fucking know!" Mark replied as he tried to seperate James and Glenn. "But it's pissing me the hell off!"

James thought about reminding Mark that he wasn't the one who started it this time, but instead he chose to try to wrap his hands around Glenn's neck and throttle the Big Red Machine. But just as he was getting a good grip on the bastard, someone kicked him right in the side of his head. "You let him go you asshole!" Phil yelled as he jumped on James's back and tried to put Lawson in a sleeper hold. "You hear me? You get off of him!"

Mark snarled and Phil off of James violently. That set Glenn off and he managed to push James away so he could tackle Mark. Phil quickly ran away as the Brothers of Destruction started going at it, and James quickly jumped back in on the action so he and Mark could double team Glenn. Glenn refused to give up though. He fought them both as hard as he could, even punching James right in the mouth hard enough to make him bleed.

"Okay, that's enough!" Matt yelled as he and Adam tried to break up the fight. "Seriously guys, knock it off!"

Nobody was listening to him. The three very large men kept trying to tear each other apart while Phil cheered Glenn on from the sidelines. It wasn't until they heard something crash in the backyard that they stopped what they were doing and looked up. "What the fuck was that?" James asked.

Mark got up to his feet and went to look out the window. His eyes just about bugged out of his head. "That little shit! You've got to be fucking kidding me!" He stormed out the back door before anyone could stop him.

As James went to the back door, he saw Glenn and Phil practically eye rape each other before running in the other direction. That was when he realized that the fight that had just taken place had been some sort of foreplay for them. _Oh those dirty bitches. I'm gonna get them for that. _Once that vow was made, he, Adam and Matt joined Mark outside. Cooper had hit Connor's sleigh with Mark's Hummer and now he and Jeff were unhooking a wood chipper from the back of the vehicle.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Mark asked angrily. He looked ready to strangle Cooper and Jeff. "And why did you take my car? And oh my God, is that ice? Did you put ice in the backseat of my car? Oh I swear to God if my seats are wet..."

Jeff shrieked and hid behind Cooper. "We're going to die!" he said unhappily.

Cooper glared at Mark, completely ignoring Jeff's outburst. "You're gonna do what Deadman?" he asked defiantly. "Huh? Tell me! What do you think you're going to do?"

James looked into the backseat and winced. The leather seats Mark had put in the car when he first got it were definitely wet from the bags of ice that were sitting back there. "Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!" James said loudly, sounding remarkably like Connor as he did so. "You guys are going to get killed!"

Jeff glared at him. "Would you shut up?" he asked desperately. "The first batch wasn't supposed--"

"The first batch?" Matt said incredulously as he took a look at the backseat of the Hummer. "Jeff, what the fuck are you and Cooper going to do with all this ice anyway?"

"We're going to make snow," Jeff answered. "There's no snow here so I wanted to make some."

"So you had to take MY Hummer to do it?" Mark growled at Jeff.

"Yes," Cooper replied. He shoved Mark as hard as he could. "Now get over it."

Mark growled and shoved Cooper back. Cooper snarled and speared Mark to the ground. Now it was the two of them that were wrestling all over the place.

Adam looked at the wood chipper with a huge smile on his face. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm on board with this making snow plan. I say we do it right here, right now." He paused for a second before laughing. "Ha, I said "do it". Yeah, I wanna do it."

Matt rolled his eyes "Yeah, I know. You always want to do it."

Jeff looked at James hopefully. "So uh...you want to help us make snow in your backyard?"

James frowned. "I don't know...if I wanted a white Christmas, I'd just have us cum all over the lawn."

Jeff stared at him with a shocked look on his face.

James chuckled and patted him on the back before grabbing a couple of the bags of ice and handing them to Adam. The jizz lawn idea was a good one, but it was going to be one he saved for another day. Right now, he was going to go along with the ice idea.


	13. Chapter 13

Connor stared at the ruined remains of his sleigh unhappily. He had gone through all the trouble of getting it and the reindeer and now it was ruined. And if it was ruined, that meant the reindeer would have nothing to pull him in, and that rendered them useless. "Cooper!" he whined loudly. He stomped his feet and glared daggers at his older brother. "Why did you do that? You asshole!"

Cooper put his hands up and tried to look innocent. "I didn't mean to! It was an accident!"

Connor didn't care whether it was an accident or not. What he cared about was the fact that he didn't have a sleigh anymore. "Daddy!" he yelled unhappily.

James shook his head. "I ain't getting you another sleigh. I'm going to be too busy destroying Glenn and Phil."

Mark (who was nursing a black eye from his fight with Cooper) glared at James. "You are not destroying my brother. You can maim his twink, but only horribly maim Glenn."

James pouted. "But where's the fun in that?" he asked.

Mark just rolled his eyes before looking out the window. He watched Adam, Matt and Jeff attempt to make a Winter Wonderland with the ice and the wood chipper for a minute before shaking his head. "Those boys are weird," he declared. "Although I have to admit, it kind of does look like it's snowed out there."

James only snorted as he left the room. His interest was purely on plotting horrible things that he could do to Glenn and Phil. Mark sighed and got up. "I'll be watching TV," he muttered.

Connor watched him leave the room before launching himself at Cooper, knocking his big brother right out of his chair. "Bad Cooper!" he yelled, beating Cooper with his fists as hard as he could. "Bad!"

Cooper tried to shield himself as much as he could. "God damn it Connor! Stop it!"

Connor didn't stop though. He just kept beating Cooper as much as he could. Cooper finally lost his patience and kicked Connor off of him. Connor grunted and tried to regain the advantage he had, but it was too late. Cooper had pinned him down stomach first on the floor and was not letting him back up. "I'm sorry, alright?" Cooper said, putting his knee into Connor's back with just enough force to keep him pinned down. "I didn't fucking mean to hit your sleigh."

"I don't care if you meant to," Connor snapped. "You broke it!" He sniffled. "Now Sandy Claws is gonna get me and my presents and I won't be able to stop him!"

Cooper groaned loudly. "Okay, that's it." He got up and then dragged Connor up on to a chair. "You listen to me right now," he ordered, grabbing Connor's head and forcing the deranged man child to look at him. "There is NO Sandy Claws. There never has been and there never will be one. It's a stupid story that parents tell their kids for reasons I will never understand. Alright? Do I need to make myself any clearer than that?"

Connor stared at Cooper. He didn't know whether he should believe Cooper or not.

Cooper sensed Connor's hesitation and sighed. "Damn it to hell," he muttered. "Come on." He tossed Connor over his shoulder and carried him upstairs. Connor tried to wiggle free but Cooper had too tight of a grip on him. "Coopy," he whined as he was taken into Cooper's room. "What are you doing with me?"

Cooper didn't say a word. He just kicked the door shut behind him and then uncermoniously dumped Connor on to the bed. Connor tried to escape but Cooper was on him in an instant. "Coooppppyyy," he whined as Cooper began nibbling his neck. "Don't do that."

"Why not?" Cooper asked. He pinned Connor's hands down above his head and kept up the work he was doing on the younger man's neck. "I'm just trying to make you forget about stupid Sandy Claws."

Connor pouted. This was not fair. Cooper was using illegal tactics. "I'm gonna tell Daddy you cheated," he threatened. "And he's gonna get mad at you."

"No he won't," Cooper replied. "He'll just pretend to feel sorry for you and then laugh his ass off about the whole thing later, just like he always does."

Connor tried to say that James did no such thing but he didn't get a chance too. Cooper was kissing him and ripping his shirt open before he knew what was happening. He tried to shove Cooper away, but Cooper refused to budge. "You're mean," he said, wishing that he could be stronger than Cooper was. He wanted to be able to do what he pleased to his brother whenever he wanted to do it. "Mean mean mean mean!"

Cooper just laughed. "I may be mean, but I know how to get what I want."

Connor was about to threaten to not give Cooper his Christmas present when he felt Cooper's hand reach down his pants and start to stroke him. He whimpered and stopped fighting Cooper as much. He still didn't think this was fair at all, but at this point even he understood that he had already lost the battle.

"That's better," Cooper said happily. "Now see, isn't it better when you don't fucking fight me all the time?"

"Fuck you," Connor snapped.

"You wish," Cooper said with a snort.

Connor was about to deny that he wished any such thing but his pants being yanked off distracted him. He went to bite Cooper but Cooper avoided his mouth and roughly shoved three fingers inside of him. "Owie," Connor whined, digging his nails into Cooper's back in retaliation. "Asshole."

Cooper smirked as he quickly stretched Connor. "You still love me though."

"Do not."

"Oh yes you do." Cooper removed his fingers and quickly removed his fingers and quickly removed his pants before slamming into Connor's body. They both groaned loudly and it took Cooper a minute to regain the presence of mind to finish what he was saying. "If you didn't, you wouldn't follow me around like a little lost puppy like you normally do."

Connor glared at him. "Well if I'm a puppy, then you're a puppy fucker! So yeah, what do you gotta say to that?"

Cooper smacked him upside the head. "Hey! Don't say sick shit like that. You are not actually a puppy so I am not a puppy fucker!"

Connor just giggled madly. "Puppy fucker puppy fucker puppy—owie!" Cooper had not only smacked him really hard, but he was now fucking him pretty brutally as well. "Okay okay, I'm sorry!" he yelled. "I didn't mean it! Coopy!"

Cooper growled and pulled on his hair really hard. "Why should I believe you?" he asked.

"Because you wuv me?" Connor asked innocently, wincing as his prostate was stabbed roughly. A jolt of pleasure went through him but it wasn't enough to make him forget about the pain completely.

Cooper rolled his eyes and just kissed Connor roughly. Connor whined because Cooper wasn't getting any gentler, but at the same time he also found himself kind of liking the roughness. _Dickface_, he silently said as his bit Cooper's lip. _Randy's not gonna be the only thing he's getting for Christmas. Now he's gonna get something that goes boom! Hehehehehehe…._

…..

"What in the hell have you three done?" Gil asked as he surveyed the back yard.

Matt shook his head. "I really didn't do anything. It was Jeff and Adam that was doing it."

Gil looked at the two men in question. "Well?"

"I wanted a white Christmas," Jeff said. "And that's what I got." He began running around in the "snow" crunching the ice up even more with every step he took. "Whee!" he yelled as he flopped down to the ground on his back. His intention had been to start making a snow angel. The only problem was that as soon as he hit the ground, the impact from that actually kind of hurt. "Ow! Damn it!" He had just discovered first hand that ice really wasn't as soft as snow was.

Adam laughed loudly. "You freaking idiot!"

Jeff sat up and glared at him. "Matty! Your whore just called me an idiot!"

"Hey! I'm not a whore!"

Matt rubbed his eyes. "Oh God, here we go…"

"You are too!" Jeff insisted. He got back up to his feet and pointed to Matt. "You're deceiving him with your whore ways and I will not stand for it!"

Adam growled and picked up a handful of ice. Jeff realized what he was about to do and quickly grabbed some ice of his own. They chucked it at each other as hard as they could, both of them finding their target. "Ouch!" they both yelled.

"Guys stop—ow!" Matt glared at Jeff. "That just hit me!"

Jeff, who had just thrown another handful of ice at Adam and missed, grinned sheepishly. "Sorry Matty."

Sorry was not good enough for Matt though. No, he had to go grab some ice of his own and he and Adam started chasing Jeff around the backyard. Jeff screamed bloody murder and eventually hid behind Gil. "Save me!"

Gil sighed. "You know…I didn't give up another round of sex just to come back to this."

Jeff, Adam and Matt froze in their tracks. They stared at Gil in shock, unable to form a proper a response to that. Gil smirked and walked away, muttering something about going back to Shelly's as he did so.

"We need to get him neutered," Adam declared. "Anyone agree?"

Both Matt and Jeff raised their hands. They loved their father to death, but all the getting laid he was doing was really grossing them out. It needed to be stopped as soon as possible.


	14. Chapter 14

_December 25th_

James didn't go to bed on Christmas Eve. He pretended to, but he never really fell asleep. No, he was too busy plotting his revenge against Glenn and Phil. They weren't going to get away with the stunt they had pulled earlier. Nobody attacked him and got away with it. Absolutely nobody.

At about four in the morning, he had a decent plan formed in his head. He rolled out of bed and snuck out of the room as quietly as he could so he didn't wake Mark up. Even though it was Cooper's job to keep Connor from waking them all up at an ungodly hour, Cooper was only going to succeed in that task for so long. When Connor was truly ready to get up and get his presents, then he was going to damn well get his presents and wake the entire house up as he did so.

James walked to Glenn and Phil's room, his smirk already getting bigger and bigger by the second. He couldn't help himself. He had enjoyed tormenting Glenn for years, but that was nothing compared to how much he enjoyed tormenting Phil. There was something about Princess Straightedge that compelled him to torment the fuck out of the younger man. _It's probably because he whines like a little bitch,_ he thought as he carefully opened Crispy and Princess's door. _It wouldn't be nearly as fun to torture him if he didn't do that._

Neither Glenn nor Phil stirred as James quietly slipped into their bedroom. The smell of sex was heavy in the air and James wondered if Glenn could be considered a fan of bestiality because Phil had more hair on him than some animals. _I'll ask Marky that later,_ James decided as he walked over to the bed and picked up the lamp that was on the desk next to it. _Marky will know the answer._

"No Mommy, I don't want James to pour syrup on me," Phil mumbled. "He'll think I'm a giant pancake."

James paused for a second. "What the fuck?" he muttered.

Phil whined unhappily and started kicking his feet around a little bit. "No no no! James stop it. You can't do that to me when Glenn's next door."

James grinned. So Princess Straightedge was dreaming about him? That was just too funny. He raised the lamp he was holding above his head and smacked Glenn's arm. "Wake up Crispy Critter!" he yelled as loud as he could.

Glenn sat straight up and James immediately smashed the lamp over his bald head, knocking him out. The crash that caused woke Phil up and he screamed when he realized what James did. "Come here Princess," James growled. He grabbed Phil's wrist and threw him over his shoulder. "Did you really think that you and Glenn would get away with that stunt you pulled earlier? Huh? Come on now, you know me better than that."

Phil whined and started struggling wildly to get free from James's grip. "Let me go!" he shouted. "Glenn! GLENN!"

James easily kept a hold of Phil as he carried the smaller man downstairs. "I heard you saying my name when you were sleeping Philly," he said. He walked into the kitchen and put Phil down. He didn't let the raven haired man go though. He kept a hold of him by his hair.

Phil's eyes widened. "It's not what you think James."

James just smirked. "Sure it isn't." He sat down in the nearest chair and pulled Phil down over his lap.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Phil asked nervously.

"Well, seeing as how you were likely the one that put Glenn up to attacking to me, you're the one that needs to be punished," James replied. His hand began tugging Phil's boxers down. "And what better way to punish you than to spank you?"

Phil's jaw dropped. "No!" he said vehemently. He started fighting James harder than ever. "You can't do that. That's just…it's…James please don't. I don't want a spanking."

"Who the hell said I cared about what you wanted?" James asked. He knew that he didn't. He got Phil's boxers yanked down and he started slapping Phil's ass as hard as he could. Phil let out a yelp of pain every time James's hand connected with his ass, but as hard as he continued to struggle, he wasn't able to go anywhere. James laughed at Phil's expense and refused to stop the spanking until Phil's ass was nice and red. "There you go," he said as he dumped Phil down on the floor. "Now if you ever make Glenn do something like that again, I'll spank you till you bleed. You understand me?"

Phil nodded miserably. "Yes," he muttered.

"Good." James got up and went back upstairs to his bedroom. Mark was still snoring away; either he hadn't woken up and noticed that James was not in bed with him or if he did, he just ended up falling back asleep. James didn't really think it mattered either way. He just climbed back into bed and closed his eyes. _Now it's nappy time._

….

_Four hours later_

"PRESENTS! PRESENTS! YAY, IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS!"

"Connor wa--"

"NO I WILL NOT WAIT! WE OPEN PRESENTS NOW!"

Mark groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He was not very happy with being woken up this early on a day he didn't have to go to work. It just really irritated the fuck out of him. "Lawson, go control your son," he grumbled as he rolled over and pulled the blankets closer to him.

"It's been twenty two years Marky," James grumbled. "If I haven't gotten control of him by now, I doubt that I ever will be able to do it."

The door suddenly opened and Connor dive bombed right on top of them. "Get up Daddy! Get up Marky!" he ordered. "It's time to open presents!"

"Can't we sleep some more?" Mark asked, trying really hard to resist the urge to smash Connor with his pillow. "I'm really tired."

"No!" Connor replied. He hit Mark on the side of the head and then jumped back up to his feet. "If you aren't downstairs in five minutes there will be hell to pay," he warned as he ran out of the room.

James chuckled and sat up. "Your eye is twitching Marky."

"Gee, I wonder why," Mark said sarcastically. He reluctantly rolled out of bed. "Come on. Let's just get this bullshit over with."

The two of them threw on some clothes and went downstairs. The others were already down there waiting for them. Matt was passing the presents that were under the tree and Connor (who had probably grabbed all of his presents before anyone else had even gotten down there ) almost already had all of his gifts open. "Ooooohhhh it's a dinosaur!" he squealed happily. "Daddy Daddy, look what Cooper got me!"

James grinned. "I see that. That's awesome." He looked at Phil and smirked. "Hey Princess."

Phil quickly hid behind Glenn, who now had a large bandage on the top of his head. The nasty look the Big Red Machine gave James was enough to make Mark raise his eyebrows. "Do I want to know what happened between you three?" he asked.

"Your boyfriend is gonna die," was Glenn's answer to that.

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say Crispy C ritter." He grabbed Mark's hand. "Come on. Your presents are in the garage."

"Is that why I haven't been allowed in there lately?" Mark asked as he followed James to the laundry room, which was where the door that connected the house to the garage was located.

"Yup," James confirmed. He started to open the garage door. "Close your eyes," he ordered.

Mark sighed and did what he was told. He heard James open the door and then it sounded like his lover was taking some sheets off of stuff. "Okay Marky, you can open your eyes now."

Mark opened his eyes and saw that there were three brand new custom motorcycles sitting in the garage. "Holy shit," he muttered. "You got me all of those?"

James nodded. "Yup."

"That's just…you…wow." Mark walked forward and began examining the bikes closely. They really were a thing of beauty. "I think my gifts for you kind of suck now."

James frowned. "Did you get me something sharp and pointy?"

"Yeah."

"Did you get me something else that I can hit people on the head with?"

"Yeah."

"So why would my gifts suck? You obviously got me stuff that I will like."

Mark grinned. James could be a pain in the ass, but sometimes he was an easy to please pain in the ass.

A very loud explosion interrupted their special moment. They looked at each other and without saying a word, they ran inside to see what had happened. When they got to the living room, they saw a whole bunch of smoke coming from different boxes and they saw that everyone but Gil and Connor had ash covered faces. "What the fuck happened?" Mark asked.

"I gave people boom booms!" Connor said happily. "That was their present."

"I didn't want a damn boom boom," Jeff said. He glared at Connor. "Bastard."

"Shush you," Connor ordered. He pointed to Cooper. "He wasn't supposed to get a boom boom but he was mean to me last night so he got one too."

Cooper glared at Connor. "So this is all I get from you? I get you a giant dinosaur and- this is what I get in return."

"Yes and no," Connor answered. "You gots another present too." He grabbed Cooper's hand and pulled him out of the room. "Come on. I'll show you."

Mark shook his head as the two siblings left. "Kids," he muttered. He sat down and grabbed his pile of presents. "Let's see--"

"Who the hell got me this?" Phil asked in horror. He held up a pair of bra and panties.

Jeff giggled. "You can be a giant hairy woman now Philly!"

Adam shook his head. "Glenn, I knew you were a kinky bastard, but this is a little too much."

"I didn't give him that," Glenn said. "It was probably Cooper."

"How do you know it wasn't from me?" James asked.

"It would have been a severed head if it was from you," Glenn replied.

"Oh yeah. It would have." James laughed and opened the first present he grabbed. It turned out to be the Singapore cane that Mark had gotten him. "Oh fuck yeah!" he said happily. He held the cane up and stared at it happily. "Now this is what I'm talking about."

"Oh dear lord," Gil muttered. "You have got to be kidding me. He doesn't need another weapon."

"Yeah really," Matt agreed. "He's got more than enough as it is!"

"Quiet you!" James ordered. He smacked Matt on the head with the cane. The impact of the bamboo hitting Matt's head caused a loud cracking sound, and as Matt cried out in pain, James laughed. "We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!" As he sang each lyric, he hit not only Matt, but Adam and Glenn as well. Jeff squeaked and hid under the Christmas tree with Snoopy while Mark just laughed.

James suddenly stopped and pointed the cane at Phil. "You!"

Phil's eyes widened. "James do--ow!" He quickly got up and started running away. James immediately started chasing after him, whacking him with the cane the entire thing. And Mark couldn't stop laughing his ass off. _I definitely did good with that present. I really really did._

….

"This present better be good Connor," Cooper muttered under his breath. "I think your boom boom present burned off my eyebrows."

Connor giggled. "Don't worry, it's good." He opened the spare bedroom door. "Ta da!"

Cooper went into the room and stopped in his tracks. Randy was naked and tied to the bed. Immediately he forgot about his eyebrows and grinned.

"You like?" Connor asked hopefully.

"Oh I definitely like it," Cooper confirmed. He kissed the side of Connor's head. "Thank you Connor."

"You're welcome Coopy," Connor said. He turned around. "I go play with my presents now."

Cooper let Connor run off before closing the door and smirking at Randy. Randy stared back at him with wide eyes, but he couldn't say anything because he had a ball gag in his mouth. "Now this is just too much," Cooper said in amusement. He walked over to the bed and took the ball gag out of Randy's mouth. "I love my little brother."

"I'm glad you do, because I don't," Randy said unhappily. He pulled against his restraints. "Damn it, I already spent Thanksgiving here! I don't want to be here today too!"

"Yeah well, you are," Cooper replied. He ran his finger up and down Randy's torso. "You're my present and I get to do whatever I want to you today."

Randy's eyes widened. "Cooper--"

Cooper quickly smashed his lips against Randy's. He really didn't need to hear any more out of the Legend Killer at the moment. Randy tried to move his head away but when Cooper wouldn't let him do it, he gave in and kissed back. _Oh yeah, he so likes being my bitch_ Cooper though cockily as he broke the kiss long enough to remove his own clothes. He didn't feel like wasting any time at the moment. There was no telling who could possibly come and interrupt his fun so he needed to start having it as soon as possible.

"Fuck, you're fucking direct," Randy muttered as Cooper climbed on top of him.

Cooper smirked. "Well what's the point of being indirect?" he asked. He nipped at Randy's neck as he shoved two fingers inside of Orton and started some very fast and half ass prepping.

"I guess…ow Cooper that hurt…you've got a…ooh god…good point," Randy admitted, wincing and moaning every time Cooper moved his fingers.

"I know I do," Cooper replied. He pecked Randy's lips before removing his finger and slamming his cock deep inside of Randy's body. Randy let out a short scream that turned into a strangled moan as Cooper began thrusting in and out of him.

Then, as suddenly as they had started, they were interrupted. Phil came running in and dived under the bed. "Save me!" he screamed.

Cooper stopped in his tracks and looked over and saw James running in with a Singapore cane. "Get back here Princess!" He jumped on the bed with Cooper and Randy and waited for Phil to come out from under the bed on the other side. When he realized that Phil wasn't going to come out on his own, he got off the bed and reached under the bed. Phil screamed as he was dragged out from under the bed. "HELP ME!"

"Dad would you get out?" Cooper asked unhappily. "I'm trying to have sex here!"

Nobody was listening to him. Glenn came in and grabbed James by the throat, which made James start hitting him with the cane instead of Phil. Phil ran out of the room just as Adam ran in, immediately followed by Jeff, who was chasing Adam with a whole bunch of sparklers. "Come on Addy, I just want to see what color your hair will burn!" the younger Hardy yelled.

Matt came running in next and he looked ready to kill his younger brother. "Leave my Adam alone!" he yelled. "Jeff I'm serious. If you set his hair on fire, you are so dead!"

Cooper watched the madness before looking back at Randy. Randy just smirked and summed everything up with four words.

"Merry fucking Christmas Cooper."


End file.
